Well...I haven't posted photos for a while.

I always like the way the rays of the sun seep through the clouds. You get that pillars of light effect. This seems to reflect my mood quite a bit, lately.

My sister-in-law, "Mare" grew this [I think]. She has a green thumb. She seems to grow anything. It was among a bouquet of flowers she brought to older sister Mel's b-day party.

while on vacation 2 weekends ago I took some photos as the sun crested the mountain @ the start of the day. Pulling back the curtain of night. I was enjoying the artifacts I could get on the lens [the little yellow dot just bellow your 3 o'clock on the pic].

Every time we go to the campground I see this pull off on a mountain top. I keep saying: "we should stop there sometime." Sometime turned out to be the way home that Sunday. Sometimes I think it would be nice if I could pull back on my life & get this view of it. More of a "big picture" view. I think it would make me feel better [but, I've been wrong before...].

Just felt like mixing it up a bit.

some more poems

I've been writing poems a lot lately. Still feeling both good & bad. Not bad enough... to be swallowed by it, thankfully.

A Part, but not the Whole
I want to help
not hurt
to be a part
without pretending
to be the whole
to adie
the true rescuer
without pretending
I'm Him.

Waiting on Redemption
I sit here
I might as well be
on another planet
I want to fix you
-what a joke
a flawed person
trying to fix
another
so much easier
to tell someone else
than to stare
into a mirror
and fix
the guy who stares back @ me
praying
begging you
to help us
yet I sit here
knowing
hoping
with my
fragile little faith
that as I
pray
for friends
daily
[& mostly more often than that]
I wait
for you to
redeem their stories
I know you can
I believe you will

please help
every word
from facebook
to email
toblog
to spoken
be [for them at least]
"sufficiently redemptive"
I cannot really help
[you can use my feeble attempts]
I don't really know what it's like
for them to go through this
[I only know my experiences & what worked for me]
some titles to chapters we may share
YOU DO
because you are there
so let your
presence be felt
strengthen all
those who walk
daily with them
so that one day
all of us can see
this as part of
a redemption story
your redemption story
where we'll all say
that you "showed up"
we know
we were there
we saw it happen
[...and it was good]

A Memory of Ghosts
as I listen back
look back
over my life...
over dark chapters
I now experience
strangely
glad memories
of fading ghosts
of darkness
it isn't all fixed
now
it isn't gone
erased...
no
sorry
however
redemption
is rising in it
like the first rays
of a new dawn
& it was worth
the clawing
& the climb
to get here
as long
as I can
keep
going
[especially
if you can use it]

all poems b.e. noll

[it's gonna be tough to sleep. -in a good way...
Switchfoot - Dare you to move
for me this can only be sung to one person: Robert Randolph - Born again]
be safe.
keep moving forward...

a good day

Today was great. I didn't get half way through the list. You know, that ragged old "to do" list. [or perhaps more accurately: "to have gotten done a long time ago & what am I waiting on" list] #3[of 9,847,368.2]. It'll wait on me.
Took a walk. Over the last 3 to 4 days I've been writing again. So here are a few poems.
enjoy, pray, be healthy.

Doesn't matter
it doesn't matter
where you've been
what "hole you crawled out of"
[or are trying to]
if you came from money
or never had much
whether your life story
is G rated
or R...or X
whetherdepression
has it's claws in you
whether you gave yourself to sex
or were dragged kicking & screaming
whether
you
harm yourself
[& what that means/ how that helps]
whether you know your parents
& wish you didn't
or never met them
& wish you did

it's not where you've been
it's not what you've seen
it's where your going
& who's taking you there
that counts



Out Live
life can
really knock you down
it's done well
in this me

thought I was down
for the count
and some days
I really wanted to be

I just can't stop
getting up
and trying again

but one day
one fine day
I will....

I will out live
pain
I will out live
darkness
I will out live
hate
I will out live
war
I will out live
money
I will out live
abusiveness
I will out live
time
I will out live
color & skin

yeah
some day
some how
I will die
...only once
[but I will live
twice]


all poems b.e. noll

brave...er?

"...you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug, you can be the outcast, be the backlash, of somebody's lack of love, or you could start speaking up...... maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live, maybe one of these days you could let the light in, show me, how big your brave is..."
       -Sarah Bereilles, Brave, from: The Beautiful Unrest

I want to email a few friends, almost constantly...in a vein attempt to be their help.
Perhaps it would be better to write here. So they can read it without me feeling so pushy. Also, this way if they can't write back I won't care. So [deep breath], I may seem a little darker at times here, for a "spell". I'm in a good place though. I've been asking people I know to pray for them. And many have said they would pray for me as I try to be there for them, somehow. I want them to not feel alone. some topics I share here may be foreign to some of you, & that's ok. Please bear with me as I try to be a bit braver here.

"...You should know
you're not on your own
These secrets
are walls
that
keep us
alone
I don't know when
but I know now
Together
we'll make it
through somehow..."
-from courage by Superchick [just a heads up, this song is written about anorexia]

a few songs about self injury. For a gal who does...& the people who love her. [of which I am one]
Plumb - Cut       [cnn interview with Plumb]
a great book I have read on the subject is Inside a Cutter's Mind by Jerusha Clark & Earl R. Henslin

Between The Trees -  A Time for Yohe
The Way She Feels
Where I first saw the link to To Write Love On Her Arms. First time I saw this video it ended with these words after the screen went blank:
Stop the Bleeding.
Rescue is possible.
Love is the movement.
to
write love 
on her 
arms
twloha.com

2 last links on this...
I REALLY hope this at least comes out on DVD. I keep hearing old news on it, Sounds like it might be finished, yet I'm not sure. So here's hoping it sees the light of day.
Day One [formerly called Renee] staring Chad Michael Murry & Kat Dennings as Jamie Tworkowski & Renee Yohe respectively.
Renee Yohe in her own words. [& from nbc nightly news]

I'm going to end this with just a few songs to God. You probably won't hear them in a church. I listened to them during a dark summer...a long time ago.
The Call - You Were There
Michael Roe - Hold Dearly to Me, I need God 
[this is the link I could find you can hear the songs by pressing play before the title]
[& a song I listened to today on the way to church]
David Crowder Band - How He Loves

...yeah it's late, so poems will come later...
so... I sit
& pray...
and wait
for another story to be redeemed
Yahweh,
please hold them tonight
give rest to their bones
deep rest
drown them in your love
surround them
with your peace
guide them
into the story
you have for them.
help them
cross
this Jordan
...
and thank you for an army of prayers
from people they don't know
[but will one day
on this side of the door
or the other]
love
B

to teach a lesson

you wanted to teach them a lesson...

so you thought you'd share your wisdom?

-but was that wise?

why is it

that we so easily want to teach

yet we drag our feet
when it comes to being taught?

never mind retention

we want to change the world

so we point our fingers

at everyone else

when changing the world
starts so much closer to home

than we are really comfortable with...

b.e. noll

@ least two

Today's talk was inspiring, at least to me. Between that & Chris Smith's spoken intro to & our singing of Never Once by Matt Redman I wrote this:

@ least two
so often
I have felt
completely alone
by
myself
like there was
no one
for me
with me
beside me
on my side
not one
who understood
got it
wanted to
I believed
a lie
in a sea of faces
a liar
THE liar
whispered
till I believed
& mourned

mourned the loss
of people
right in front of me
years later
standing
in a
"no loneliness allowed" room
sunday morning
singing a song
exposing that lie
never once
was I alone
I have many
a sea of loving faces
that clothe hearts
of love
mercy
grace
care
help
I have those
who will stand
walk
run
cry
be silent
with me
no matter
where my path leads
it's never
"just me"
it's never
"just one"
alone
it's
always
@ least two
[me...& YOU]


...YOU
closer than skin,
bigger
than air,
stronger
than steel,
more flexible
than water,
more alive
than life,
longer
than time,
deeper
than the universe,
further "up"
than space,
firmer
than Earth,
YOU
the one
whom
the universe
rests on
like a marble
rests
in my hand

b.e. noll

p.s. Thanks to Tracy & Jim, who were an unknowing [personal] illustration of the sermon topic today, community.

the live version of a photo

Yesterday I got to spend a few fleeting moments with some friends I haven't seen for quite a while. It was nice to see them...

live version of an old photo
I haven't heard
these voices
singing to each other
in conversation
for such a long time
fun to see the reconnection
catching up on what's been happening
eve's dropping on each other's stories
flurries of questions
nods of understanding
a community
reconnecting
the well worn bicycle metaphor
fitting in quite nicely
hand shakes
hugs
once again
looking at smiles live
where
for so long
it was just frozen smiles of yesterday
on dog eared photos of
another time
long ago

Thank you
Yahweh
for making people
priceless

b.e. noll
[I have no clue who took this photo, as I am in it. Thanks though!
Laramy Peak, Wyoming. !980... 1988 or 1989, pretty sure]