reflecting on "God isn't Santa"

Well, Mom did not have her surgery last Fri. She will have her surgery tomorrow. She was on blood thinners so they could not do it last Fri. ...So when our teaching pastor yesterday talked about all the things we cannot control. I had to smirk. I've had time to calm down. Pastor Steve also talked briefly about our Alpha course. A place to ask questions. This usually is for those who don't know God, yet it speaks of the hard questions that come up in life. And after the let down of Mom not having surgery, this blogger..."fell to those questions". Summed up so well in this one:
"If God can fix everything...why doesn't he???" I wish you could here this said the way I have. So from Hard to get by Rich Mullins, to Better Than A Hallelujah, & Somewhere Down the road by Amy Grant flooded to mind after a while. Times like these are why I love the Psalms. Because 1 page you read of how great God is, mighty & powerful... the next page [sometimes in the same psalm] you read God...where are you? why don't you fix this, like now please?!?!?
Knowing God is not knowing the answers,
it's being friends with the one who does.
I've said this since my sister-in-law lost her twins. When asked: "are you mad at God? Cause it's ok if you are".
I answered: "No.
I know God too well to be mad at Him,
But not well enough to know what He's doing."
Obviously, this is still true. Many verses come to my mind Isaiah 40:12-26,
Psalms 139, 147:3... the list goes on.
Fri. from about 12:40 on I was just exhausted, & sick of the brokenness of this world. I was ready for Rev.21:1-6.
So, God isn't Santa. He doesn't just have a dorky smile waving a peace sign.
Truthfully, these moments are good for my relationship with Him. When the prayer is answered:
"not now" or "no".
When a friend: does something that betrays trust, or isn't as close of a friend as I thought [or maybe is too close for my good].
I go off by myself... & get away from every one I can... then I'm left with only 2 people... me & Yahweh. [God, The Father, Him who sits on the throne & holds the key of David, The Master, King God, etc.] And, at least 1 of us is never wrong.
Then I rant, to Him. I fall apart... [no one talks of yelling prayers, why not?...]
Then, something happens. He just listens. He's just there... with me. We feel closer [at least to me we do]. Because He's the God you can be real with.
Friday was a day I'm glad God is the way He is. Because that's what I needed. For Him to listen & draw near. A friend from church once said: "Sometimes, God can be can be closer than your skin." Friday was a day like that. [thanks for your words Connie]
Awesome God is not my favorite Rich Mullins song.
My Favorite? We are not as strong as we think we are.
Sunday was nice. To be in church. To be sitting next to my Sister-in-law & Brother-in-law. To be singing How Great Thou Art & How Great is our God.
[My favorite hymn? Great is thy Faithfulness.]

Yahweh,
thank you
for not being
paper
or plastic
thank you
that You created me
not
the other way around
thank you for coming
to me
even if I wished you'd come
to my rescue
Thank you
that even though
you don't answer all of my prayers
with a yes
Even though You don't give me
"all the answers"
You gave me the most important ones
Can we live together forever?
Can you save me?
thank you
for those yes'

B.E. Noll

Mother's voyage

Well, Mom will have surgery tomorrow morning. 10 - 10:30, they will remove the cyst, work on her spine, & hopefully this will greatly improve her situation. It will take about 2 hours. Then an hour of recovery. She'll stay in till Tues. Hopefully Tues. we will bring her home. She's made friends with the nurses. Though, those who know her will laugh, Mom makes friends everywhere she goes. I know some who read this blog don't necessarily worship God, please know I'm not trying to shove Him down your throat. Yet, I'm not going to hide my belief in Him. And... I need Him, more than He'll ever need me.

Yahweh,
Please give the surgeons, nurses, & others involved
wonderful, restful sleep tonight
guide their thoughts, hands, & actions tomorrow
as they work on my precious Mother
Please let this give her the relief she needs
for that will give Dad, myself, & her
"army of children" the relief we need.
Holy Spirit
fill that operating room
give it a peace
that peace I have felt on occasion
reach into Mom & help to heal her
Jesu,
be in the rooms with Mom
walk through this with her
may she feel your presence
as she goes through her entire day
and may it bring her peace & calm
help them get everything done in there that they need to
touch her & heal her
help her to walk through recovery well
help her to know how many of us
have been touched by her love for you.

Thank you once again for my families
Mom & Dad,
The Nolls,
The Amspachers,
growth groups,
& LWCC
you have blessed me so very much

Love,
beyond the end of the sky,
B

praying for my Mother

My mother went into the hospital on Fri. Diagnosed with a trifecta. She has a cyst about 1 & a half inches in diameter [in her back], a slipped disc, & her spine is shrinking. Now, it is normal as you grow older to have it shrink top to bottom... her's is shrinking in diameter. Just got home from seeing her. She is in terrible pain. She got an epidural, however it should take about 24 - 48 hours to "kick in".


Dearest Yahweh
please
wrap your loving arms around mother
unfold your peace on her
tuck her in with your grace
fill her room with your presence
let her breathe in your healing touch
expelling the pain & agony
please take her pain away
hold her during the hours that I cannot
thank you sweetest Jesu
for the gift of this woman
as my mother
give rest to her aching bones
sooth her muscles
with a whisper from your lips
please, also
be with my Dad
thank you for sharing him with me
thank you for supper together
for our church family
who have gently closed ranks around us
standing in the wings
"at the ready"
for co-workers
who even with their looks say
"we're here"
thank you for my extended family
who, through you,
are here with us
as we pray up a storm
thank you that we can shower you
with prayer
thank you for listening
for wanting us
for loving us,
not just to death...
but beyond it.

Love,
B

finally a new poem...

The stillness of nature

Such a safe harbor
this place called nature
it’s soft symphony
beckoning me to be still
to slow down
to breathe deep its fragrance of peace
to walk in a lostness
that is peacefully enjoyable
to slowly experience
the unfolding artwork
before my eyes
the colors that sooth me
It’s creator
coming beside me as I walk
whispering to me
or wordlessly
we walk
enjoying each other’s company
for far too short of a time period…

to be unreachable

I put up a post on annoying phone calls...here.
however... that makes me think about writing a poem...

unreachable
sometimes
it's so very nice
to be disconnected
unlatched
from this thing
called the internet
it's nice to walk
a path
instead of a superhighway
to power down
my techie stuff
& just walk off
into the wild
to get away from all
that I can
so that I can be with
him whom
I cannot escape

oh...
how I long
to get away with you
to walk along
a winding path
through
under
around
rocks
trees
streams
ponds
lakes
rivers
I long
to get lost
in the vastness
of you
to be in the presence of
the one who formed me
the one who keeps the universe
from fraying to pieces
the peace
the quiet
the tranquility
that my heart knows
when you are near
May I never be unreachable to you
for
if I am
I have sadly
chosen it
I will be
less than me
because of the choice

so make this bad, lonely choice
unreachable
[by choice]

by b.e. noll

untitled

So

Worship the ground
worship the sky
call the Earth “mother”
If you wish

…but it is the father
Of the created universe
Him I will worship
He set all this in motion
what else,
should I dare to wonder,
is lurking
in His workshop
what else is being created
on His workbench??
if I used my whole brain
could I fathom
what it was?
how it worked?
could I look at it & still function?

b.e.noll
[written on a lark from a poem I just read. I'll be back on in a week or so...]

untitled

this just came to me...while listening to peace on Earth, by U2....

[untitled]
I
myself
long for the day
when there are
cob webs
on tanks
that no longer work
when
the news of the day
is the death
of sin
and death
war
is told
"your job
has been phased out,
here's your pink slip"
families
can live together
fear
becomes
extinct
no one has to tell
the Devil
to go to Hell
because
we saw him
put there
the door slammed shut
and forever locked

...one day
not soon enough
my teary eyes
will see
that day
...the day
when we finally
get to say
literally
we got the Hell
outta here...

May His grace drip from your fingers,
b.e. noll