bought "as is"

Valentine's Day

2012-02-13T22:11:00.002-05:00

There is so much I could say. I've been blessed to watch one of, if not the greatest, love relationships there is. My Mother & Dad.
Then... there is the greatest story of love ever told. The love of God. I'll be listening to: Over the Rhine, Sting, Norah Jones, Paul McCartney, Van Morrison, among others.
I wondered how I could write anything that resembles poetry. I never really read any... or did I not realize that's what it was. To this effect, I post a Love song [of sorts] to God.

the Trumpet Child
by Over the Rhine

The trumpet child
will blow his horn
Will blast the sky
till it’s reborn
With Gabriel’s power
and Satchmo’s grace
He will
surprise
the human race

The trumpet he
will use to blow
Is being
fashioned
out of fire
The mouthpiece is
a glowing coal
The bell a burst
of wild desire

The trumpet child
will riff on love
Thelonious notes
from up above
He’ll improvise
a kingdom come
Accompanied by
a different drum

The trumpet child
will banquet here
Until the lost
are truly found
A thousand days,
a thousand years
Nobody knows
for sure how long

The rich forget
about their gold
The meek and mild
are strangely bold
A lion lies
beside a lamb
And licks
a murderer’s
outstretched hand

The trumpet child
will lift a glass
His bride now leaning
in at last
His final aim
to fill with joy
The earth
that man
all but
destroyed

Granted... maybe only in my strange mind is this a love song.
Anyway, enjoy tomorrow.
Be glad for all the relationships you've been blessed with.
[because you didn't have to be... & you never know...
how long you will be blessed with them]

My Valentine - Paul McCartney
Crazy love - Michael Buble
My Funny Valentine - Over the Rhine

Mickey

...she has the name
of a famous mouse
& it's carved
onto my heart
never to be removed
carved by a man
who's earthly father
was a carpenter
carved there by a man
who knows
what love really is

her smile
is like the sun
rising at dawn
her eyes
twinkle
like the evening stars
her voice
is the sound my ears yearn for
I know her so well
I can hear her smile
on the phone
in the way it changes her melodic voice
when she holds my hand
our skin
feels like sparklers lit for the 4th of July
her lips are a pink ribbon
her eyelashes
so wonderfully made
why would The Artist
allow me to live
with such
a work of art
as her?
While I cannot answer that
I can say
I'm glad He did...

Thank you Jesu, for allowing me to have a partner in life.
thank you for making Mickey. Thank you for sharing her with me.
I pray that I can grow into being a much better husband, than I have been.

welcome to the "sappy, mushy, closet romantic" side of me,
b.e. noll

today

2012-02-07T22:57:00.002-05:00

Hello out there. I have written about 20 posts... inside my head. Honestly, I'm in the middle of about half a billion things. My wife did get unemployment. A wonderful thing. My Father is heading to Guatemala next week [short term missions trip]. I'm trying to do a mix of traditional V-day things & "unique to us" things. Currently listening to samples of King Crimson's THRaKaTTaK [a disc of improv's by them from the "double trio" period]. Still laughing @ a cartoon a friend has on his facebook page. Showing 2 Mayans, 1 holding a stone disc. It reads: "I only had enough room to go to 2012." [his friend replies] "Ha! That'll freak somebody out someday."
Silly as it is, I'm excited about going through the basement [aka the storage unit]. I'll try to post a poem or 2 on here soon again.

Mom continues to improve. [for Paul, & others who don't know, my Mother had back surgery for a cyst & shrinking of her spine's diameter, & then had a blood clot].

here I sit
my brain an orchestra
every instrument
reading different sheet music
15 trains of thought
all have left the station
none are traveling together
I futilly grab the conductor's wand
to no avail
I cry
"it's noisy in here"
but
it sounds
like a cat
meowing in a New York traffic jam
it'll go away
not soon enough
of course
I sit & sigh at myself
depressed that I'm not
progressing
yet
when I look around
things are improving
not as fast
as I'd like
A friend facebooks me
a new possiblity
perhaps what I need
is a "photography gettaway"
perhaps
what I need
is to get out
of my own road
who knows?

Take care all,
b.e. noll

a "poem prayer"

2012-01-21T22:23:00.003-05:00

well, Mick finally went to her hearing [for unemployment benefits]. The other side didn't show up [if you are reading this thank you]. I'm told this should mean she'll get unemployment money. Which will certainly help us out. I'm hoping & praying that we won't need them much longer. I'm trying to write more poems. I get bummed with myself quite easily lately. Which is strange because, when I look back over the past few months, I've been getting way more done than I have in years. Anyway, Mom is improving. She's back to church regularly, & she's able to go to her growth group every week now. [Thank you SO VERY MUCH George Bartha, for the purple chair you bring to her every week!!!! It really helps her a lot] Well, I'm going to finish this with a new... "poem prayer". I'm not quite sure how I feel about sharing prayers that come out as poems. [I'm going to do this one anyway...]

Yahweh,
help me
to clean the years of dust
off this soul
to scrub away
the "dark graffiti"
toxic thoughts
hazardous dreams
corrosive words
the junk of the past
locked in closets
boxed in the basement
stuffed in the drawers
of my heart
restore this temple
restart my heart
be the alarm clock
of my soul
strip the dirt away
reveal
the art you had in mind
before the dawn of time
repaint the temple
in colors
that better reflect
your glory
give my heart
your rhythm
give my footsteps
your back-beat
help my soul
to sing
in harmony with you
help my photos
shed light
on you
help my words
to be worth reading
to be filled with
truth, mercy, understanding, grace
that I could release them
to you
to be used as you wish
in ways
I'll never be smart enough
to come up with on my own
love you,
b.e. noll

a winter poem

2012-01-07T23:05:00.000-05:00

winter

I miss thee, winter
the smoke mist
that comes from warm lungs
the crunch of frozen snow
the magic
that seems to come from
painting nature white
the imagery that it makes
the thousands for tiny prisms
that ice crystals make
as the sun light glints on them
the smile of greeting a stranger
who also loves this display
however
winter
it seems
has taken a holiday
of late
I enjoy getting my Blonde
to go out & about with me
more readily
however I do miss thee
hope we get some time to play together
before you must move to
your "summer hide out"
or is it your get away?
by b.e. noll

a few of my favorite things [people]

2011-12-25T11:45:00.004-05:00

Merry Christmas Everyone! I got to sit next to Mom & Dad today [1st service, sorry I wasn't with you Mel & Bubb] Mom came without some thing! -her wheelchair!!!! [got my gift] And a BIG thanks to Pastors Steve, Brian, Rob, & Aaron. THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!!! Loved Connie up singing too! and as my friend Donnie said, people are the best gifts!

a photo to go with that last line. [it sits in my pc room above the monitor on a shelf] From left, a painting by a friend [thanks Jenn Harvey!] I thank God for art. Melanie & Rick [aka Bubba] & the girls: Kenzie & Payton [nieces] A very small nativity. Jesus, it's your birthday -but WE got the gift!! Thanks. a copy of a pic on here already [Dad, Mom, Mick & me]. Mick & her Dad [his graduation], & Mick's Mom. Just a few of my favorite things!

Merry Christmas to all of you out there.

Thank you Jesus, for the unfairness of life. You, who lacked nothing. Came to us, who lack everything. Unlike Santa, you came to give a precious gift, to all the bad kids of the world. In order to make them good. [because sooner or later, we all are one]
It's not always comforting, that life isn't fair.
But Life wasn't fair to it's author, so I guess my odds aren't good, huh?
At least, I can rejoice about 1 unfairness.
I'm not going to hell. ...even though should.
Thank you for going through hell
so I don't have to live there.

Jesus, it's your Birthday,
but we got the gift,
YOU.
thanks for wanting me [us]
so much!
Love,
B

a Christmas playlist, & Count your blessings

2011-12-22T22:23:00.004-05:00

I mentioned a few songs the other day. So I'll start off with a song from the movie I grew up watching on Christmas Eve with Mom & Dad every year.
The movie? White Christmas
Snow
Bruce Cockburn - Cry of a Tiny Babe
GLAD - In The First Light
Glen Campbell - It Must be Getting Close to Christmas
[from 1 of "the Christmas Records" played for me as a child]
And thank you Michael Buble for being a guy singing this next one!
Michael Buble - All I Want for Christmas is You
After December Slips Away [couldn't find the original singers, First Call. Donny is close though]

this is also from White Christmas, the movie...
"...when your worried,
and you can't sleep,
just count your blessings,
instead of sheep,
& you'll fall asleep
counting your blessings..."

Thank you Jesus,
for my many blessings
thank you for...
Mickey, I don't think I'll ever forget her
setting under the tree
with a green bow in her hair
my best gift
[besides you]
Mom & Dad
vacations
learning to drive
bake
live
love
love you
I love them loving so many
Friends:
Donnie, Joe, Doug, Sean,
Shelby, Beth, Jenn & Linda,
Cindy, Randy S., Matt F., Matt S.
Heather & Matt, Mel & Carol,
...
In-laws:
Mom & Dad A, Mel & Bubb,
Mare [& Ben], Maria
Kenzie & P [nieces]
Cousins...
Aunts & Uncles
[thank you that Uncle John Williams will be celebrating @ home!!]
ART:
Roger Dean, P.J. Crook,
King Crimson, Rich Mullins, Iona, Kemper Crabb,
U2, ...
Thank you for being you & loving me
Thank you for LWCC:
Worship Arts, Pastors Steve, Aaron, & Brian,

Thank you for inventing music...
Thank you for rest...
Love Always,
B

The best gifts aren't under the tree...
but they do tend to put stuff under it.

a Christmas post

2011-12-20T20:09:00.003-05:00

hello all.
I haven't even been on facebook much over the last few weeks. No news on the job front. Mom is back & forth right now. Going between an upset stomach, & pain from not taking pain med.'s. Got to do something new last Sat. Dad, Mom, Mick, my niece [Kenzie] & I baked Sandtarts together. That was fun. [a new tradition?]
This Christmas seems like a "Deconstructing Christmas". A lot of old traditions seem gone. Which has an element of sadness to it. On the other hand, there is excitement at new traditions that crop up. One that isn't really new, this year anyway, is that LW does a Christmas Eve offering that is different. They give it all away. Every penny. Locally, Globally, to all kinds of places. Pastor Steve says: "you can't 'out-give' God."
... try anyway. make it an inside joke between you & Him. After all, everything started out as His anyway. Isn't He the best gift we ever got? I set up my little porcelain tree, made by my Dad's mother, in my computer room. I've done this before, however, this time I put a manger under it. Then I surrounded it with pictures of family, & a painting a friend painted. This way it reminds me of the real gifts I have. God THE artist, gifting us with the ability to create art. The blessing of relationships. The tree we had when I was growing up was decorated with mostly red spheres, multicolored lights, & gold garland. To me it meant this:
Evergreen tree = tree of life
Red sphere ornaments = the blood shed so I can eat from the tree, & that blood becoming fruit that saves & nourishes
Gold garland = the streets of gold that I will one day walk on

I thought I'd post a few songs that don't get played on the radio very much...
here's one...
Christmas is Jesus
by Bryan Duncan
...
Christmas is Jesus
a child
for all men
gone
from the manger
and tomb
he lay in
Christmas is Jesus
God's love
coming true
a star
from the heavens
has fallen for you...

Jesu,
that you
for giving yourself
for showing the world
that you love me
us
you gave up
what no one could ask you to
so that you could make a way
to take me there
you came here
so I can go there

that wasn't enough,
though
they told me
I would be an only child
that I would never have
brothers
or sisters...
they lied.
they did not realize
that nothing is impossible for you
you first gave me an army of cousins
this
[typical you] was not enough, either
for tomorrow
I will eat supper with my brothers
"brothers from different mothers"
they would say
...we have the same Dad, though
YOU
thank you dear Jesu,
for being beyond my wildest dreams
[only you know just how wild they are]
love,
beyond the end of the sky,
B

news, changes, etc.

2011-12-11T20:12:00.003-05:00

sigh. Where to begin.
My wife has not only lost her job, they have denied her unemployment benefits. She is appealing this, however, it could take some time. She is looking for work. During this time, I am also looking for a new job.
Over the past few months I've been looking into simplifying life. For the time being, with all that is going on, I will mostly be posting here. When, in fact, I post. I would love to do a follow up to last year's Christmas poems. I just do not think I have it in me.

I was planning to do a photo thing. However that has been put on hold. I had won a coupon for a T-shirt. However, I have not received the shirt yet. When it comes I'll explain the whole "nifty" idea. However, till then, I have changed my photo on everything I have my hands in online. The photo @ the top of this post is my photo on: facebook, blip.fm, & here. In case you're interested. As I move forward, & things settle again, I'll get back to posting regularly.

Till then, Have a wonderful Christmas & New Years.

Life is often desperate, but never hopeless - Robert Fripp

my 2 pennies

2011-11-20T16:49:00.003-05:00

[where to begin]
LW has Thanksgiving traditions. This was our Thanksgiving service this morning. One thing we do is cardboard testimonies. Another is Pastor Steve walks around the auditorium & allows people to say a few words of thankfulness. He got close to me & I wanted to speak, but was close to just bursting into tears of joy. My reason said so in the first service:

LW 1st service 11.20.11
[@ 1:09:24]
MOM WAS @ LW TODAY!!!! The songs were perfect. It was just a wonderful service. The food bank was low this year so we did a food drive today. Collected almost 3 tons! I'm thankful Mom was @ LW today [first time in 11 weeks!]
Thankful to all those who came to see her this morning.
Thankful for their prayers.
Thankful our church cares...about each other...our county...the world.
thankful I'm allowed to go there.
[1:20:00] thankful for an empty basement!!!
thankful I get to help, in different ways.
Thankful for growth group
Thankful for b-day parties. [Hey Big Dave, it was your b-day, but WE got the gift! you.]
Thankful for my wife.
Thankful that sometimes God takes something away & gives us something else.
[thankful Mick & I are closer even though she lost her job]
Thankful for friends I haven't heard from in years connecting on facebook.
Thankful for nieces who want Uncle Brian to go to "King Burger" with them.

Yahweh,
Thank you so much
for parents,
who love & help out at church
for my darling wife
who's voice is my favorite song
for growth group guys
who care for,
pray for [& with] me
for a church who cares
& reminds me "it's not about us"
for our wonderful pastors
our helpful staff
for the family
both that I know & don't know
who have come to me
and spoke of their appreciation for my parents
thanks for being the ultimate parent!
THE best friend anyone could hope for
thank you dear Jesu
I needed a savior
and you said
OOO! pick me!
Thank you Jesu
for being the prince of an
un-dieing King
Thank you for being 3...
yet 1
Thank you for being unfair
I should go to hell
if life were fair
thank you for making life unfair
Thank you for saving me
from me
Thank you for all you have written into my story
and all you will write
may my story glorify you
and show others why you matter
Thank you for sending your spirit
"till, the work on Earth is done"
Thank you for being the Prince of the
un-defeatable kingdom
thank you
that I will one day
worship you
to your face
Delirious said it best:
"I was born, to kiss your feet"
thank you Oh High King God
for being you
and loving me

your kid,
B

poem time

2011-11-14T19:49:00.002-05:00

Well, Mom is doing fairly well. She's hoping to go to the Doctor in 2 weeks without her wheel chair. No new job for Mick just yet, though I have begun to look as well. And I'm feeling guilty for ending a conversation with an old friend on facebook...

The Crush of Time

time
so little of it, sometimes
feels like I brush people off
for lack of it
good friends
flung across the continent
finally in contact & I talk for a hand full of minutes
before I feel I'm being pulled to other things.
I sign off
hoping they don't feel
as I do
about me doing it
a time for everything
Ecclesiastes says
but that time
keeps on running out on me
Feels like there's
no time
to keep time
of the time
I thought I had
oh well,
maybe next time
[did I say that the last 2 times??]
ugh.
well as I told a friend
moments ago on Facebook
I gotta go
[I'm out of time one here]

b.e. noll

a new poem

2011-11-05T23:01:00.000-04:00

Poems out of mud

We are
rough around the edges
growing
and not always sure
that we are doing it right
bumps, scrapes
stumbles, wobbles
a therapist friend is right
"life is hard,
wear a helmet"
sometimes
I don't know where
I'm being lead
most of the time
I think the times I hate being in the most
are the times
I was born for
the times
when The Bible
transforms
from the book I own with the thinnest pages
to...
a blanket
a fortress
a sword
perhaps at times
a velvet hammer
I need all of these
comfort
a place to hide
a weapon to fight with
a firm, but gentle nudge forward
I guess
we're all poems
poems coming out of the mud
getting cleaned off
cut
pasted
edited
so that we make sense
so we can share
the journey
realizing
we aren't alone
we aren't
the only ones
to stair into the darkness
and wonder
if we'll be able to come out
the other side
in one piece

by b.e. noll

2011-11-03T20:45:00.002-04:00

Well, Mom is home & steadily improving. She sat up to eat today.
and.....in other news, my wife lost her job as of 5pm yesterday.
A co-worker said to me: "...and, your all calm with it...? WOW, how can you be so calm??" I tried to come up with something "awe inspiring" to say. You know a "bumper sticker in the making". Yeah, total blank. So much for being a poet, huh. I exhaled & simply said God. That's how. It doesn't sound that impressive. She said she'd be "freaking out". "God created the whole universe in 6 days with his mouth... how hard can it really be to get 1 little girl a job?". Then I think of Shaddrak, Meshach, & Abednigo, [Daniel 3] "We know that God can rescue us for this furnace... but even if he doesn't, we still won't bow down & worship anyone else." [ok, that's a B. Noll paraphrase, but it's not that different]

I need to go for now...
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Beautiful Day

2011-10-30T19:46:00.003-04:00

MOM IS HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhhh. I am overwhelmed today. Went to LW with my Dad [1st service]. There was an unspoken joy filling the place today especially. Different folks asking how we were feeling. 2 comments really got to me. Pastor Steve [LW's senior pastor] walked out to Dad & said: "How's my girl doing?". [btw Pastor Aaron, thanks for keeping LW's staff up to date on Mom's progress!!] Judge Kennedy, walked up & said well, there's the Noll brothers. I've missed hearing that, haven't heard something along those lines since my Grandfather went home to Jesus. [I'll tell that story sometime]
Then we walk in, & worship begins with: Joyful [as in Joyful, joyful we adore thee...]. PERFECT. I could hardly sing, we then sang Beautiful One, & How Great is the Love. Found myself changing the words near the end...
"Jesus, my faithful King
with an overjoyed heart I sing
how great is your love
how great is your love
oh, my savior..."
I later have had this song in my heart as well: Thankful Heart by Petra

...and for you all. Out there across cyberspace. Thank you as well, for your prayers. For joining me on this long journey.
I felt like singing from the rooftops....[Beautiful Day by U2]
take care all of you out there...& may tomorrow be just as beautiful...

Father God,
oh once, present, & future king
of all
Jesus,
my debt payer
lover of my soul
healer of my soul
oh Great Spirit of the Everlasting
journey-er with me through days
both dark & light
Thank you
a billion times over
thank you
for giving me my mother
for saving her
for bringing her home to us
love
B

speachless [or, now my feet won't touch the ground]

2011-10-27T21:59:00.003-04:00

from facebook:

If you heard a scream @ 11:00am today, that was me.
MOM COMES HOME SUN 11:30, THIS SUN. YEAH, WOO-HOO, THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH YAHWEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I've been telling everyone. Not to seem too campy, but I have a line from "Life in Technicolor pt 2" by Coldplay running through my head today: "...gravity release me, oh don't ever hold me down, now my feet won't touch, the ground..." As well as a worship song we sing @ LW: Chris Tomlin's "This is Our God"
"...He brings peace to our madness
comfort in our sadness
this is our God...
so call upon His name
he is mighty to save
this is our God
...Jesus
Lord & savior
This is our God..."

so.... um, I'm slightly ecstatic. have energy like I've been mainlining Mtn. dew for... oh, about 4 days strait. I don't think Christmas gets me this excited.

Bridge to eternity

...what can I say
oh God?
how can words
language
tell you how glad I am
that you want me in your life
that you built eternity
for us to enjoy together
some days
it's so dark here
thank you
for telling me
over & over
that the darkness
will expire

Jesu
thank you
for dieing for me
for all those I love
for rising again
for killing death
for
single handedly
building
being
a bridge to eternity
a nail scarred hand
reaching out
from forever
thank you
for being such a paradox
the one & only real, true son
of the one, true, uncreated God
dieing to make us
sons of this same
magnificent, high King-God
heirs, with you
of the undefeatable kingdom
thank you for loving your enemies
[for we all were @ one time]

thank you
Father God
Redeemer Jesus
for giving us
your Spirit, the comforter
to hold us till you return

Thank you Spirit
for walking this
difficult road with us
speaking to... yourself
on our behalf
in your own
unknowable language
guiding us
in the way everlasting

love
beyond the end of the sky,
B

[...or, to be brief, oh God...
thank you
for being you,
and loving me]

a short update

2011-10-11T22:22:00.002-04:00

...well, Mom is slowly recovering. She seems tired when I arrive. I tell her it's ok to sleep... but she fights it anyway. I never imagined feeding my mother. It's becoming a bit of a habit over the past few weeks. Only because she's tired. She holds my hands a lot lately. She, like my wife, loves that I am perpetually "warmer than the average person". For the record, I do wear a coat from time to time. Just not as often as most people. Anyway, I want to post a poem...however, I am in the middle of writing 2 of them. 1 to my wife, and another about...[how do I describe it?] "shedding your false skin [s]". Sometimes we hide so well, we actually hide from ourselves. So it's centered around a chameleon. I have that in the title, somewhere. So, I should go for now. I'm trying to better regulate my sleeping & waking.
take care, be inspired, enjoy fall -I am.

B

2011-10-06T20:45:00.002-04:00

Saw some cool tributes to Steve Jobs today. An apple with a bite out of it, among flowers. Another with "Bye" carved out of it in cursive. I was struck by the facebook thumbs down. Yep, death 9,999,999 people dislike this. My favorite was a 19 year old from Japan. He took the apple logo & where the bite was missing put a silhouette of Steve Jobs' face.
I'm a writer, I guess. and I love mp3 players, because I love music.
So I'll put it this way.

Thank you Yahweh, for inventing Steve Jobs.

oh... & as I had a very "ransom note looking" post last night. I'll clarify
Mom is in Rehab now. She is doing well there. she got to set outside here, on a beautiful day. Walked a bit. And did well in physical therapy today.

Take care out there,
B

2011-10-05T22:56:00.001-04:00

My facebook post tonight:
Hello everyone. Mom has finally moved to rehab. It was a good day here. She is adjusting to her new surroundings. She's a bit sore. It was a kind of rough day for her. So visiting might be best held off for a few days. Till she gets situated. Thanks again for your prayers, & encouragement.

I posted a while back about a favorite Rich Mullins song. Here it is.

I posted on facebook tonight a song that fit how I felt yesterday:
U2 Some Days are better than others

Sorry this is sketchy.
I don't really feel good. So, this'll be it for tonight.
B

2011-10-05T22:34:00.005-04:00

My facebook post tonight:
Hello everyone. Mom has finally moved to rehab. It was a good day here. She is adjusting to her new surroundings. She's a bit sore. It was a kind of rough day for her. So visiting might be best held off for a few days. Till she gets situated. Thanks again for your prayers, & encouragement.

I posted a while back about a favorite Rich Mullins song. Here it is.

I posted on facebook tonight a song that fit how I felt yesterday:
U2 Some Days are better than others

Sorry this is sketchy.
I don't really feel good. So, this'll be it for tonight.
B

to hide... or not to?

2011-10-04T21:57:00.002-04:00

Well...1st Mom: [from facebook]
Mom is still in the hospital tonight. I'm bummed, to be honest. She's doing well. Mick went in for me tonight. Said she walked for a little, with her walker. I'm told she will be moving tomorrow. I'm not sure I believe it now. I kinda want to just hear that in the past tense at this point. We talked for a little on the phone, but she was groggy, so I left her to sleep. Prayerfully tomorrow there will be forward movement.

2nd.
I was surprised by someone saying I was hiding. I don't feel like I'm trying to, anymore anyway. I was intimidated, at first, with sharing in general.
I've been meaning to..."prepare you all". I put my name in for a contest, online. Never thought I'd win...so I also didn't think about what I'd be agreeing to, if I did. I did win. So, sometime around the end of Oct. beginning of Nov. a picture of me will be on a website. This is the custom of the site. To post pictures of previous winners, with their winnings. I think I've found a unique way to do it. And, yes, I thought of posting a pic of my hands holding my prize... it just seems too lame. I'm going to let them post my name & picture first. When this happens, I'll link to it.
It will be the 3rd time I've been pictured somewhere public.
The first time, was on TV. Not even 30 sec. I'm decorating a tree. Behind local Wgal 8 TV personalities, Kim Lemon & Doug Allen. [I think it Was Doug Allen with her]
The second was a magazine cover. I can say, with much certainty, that most of you have never even heard of the magazine. Hoard's Dairyman was the magazine. The picture was taken at Empire Farm Days, in "upstate New York" as they say. Mom or I probably still have it somewhere.
So this will be the third. Why hide? I've asked myself that since recent listens to Zooropa, the song, from the U2 disc of the same name. In which Bono sings:
"...I've been hiding,
what am I hiding from?..."
I guess I'd have to tell you of some dark days in my life for you to "get it".
...yet...
Those days... are long behind me now. So I guess if there has been any mystery to who I am, it'll be over when that picture shows up. I'm not scared really. Maybe I should be. Something else my Mother said once comes to mind as well.
"he who has nothing to hide, hides nothing."
And... now I feel like I've gone to great lengths to say nothing really. Except that I've won something, there will be a picture of me holding it [you may or may not be impressed]. You will be able to see it.
Till then enjoy the leaves, I know I will...
B

Sunday supper

2011-10-02T21:09:00.003-04:00

Looks like Mom will go to rehab tomorrow if there is a bed available!!! The Doctor said there is no "medical need for her to be in the hospital anymore"! YEA GOD!!!! So tomorrow or Tues. she will be moved. She did have a slight fall today. So she is sore. More so than she has been. She's still looking good. I am so ecstatic!
Oh... & I have a poem in Inklings called Unique.You can visit Inspire[d] the arts @ LW by clicking on it. on the right hand side is inklings. Click on the cover & read down through. Enjoy, I especially enjoyed this one for some reason. So, as L.L. Barkatt has on in & around Monday... this is a "Sunday edition".

Inklings
I set here
on a Sunday evening
gazing at the colorful cover
reminding me
of the season
we are moving toward
I laugh
as I remember
earlier hearing
an artistic co-worker & friend
say
"Brian's is on pg 23"
to my Dad
and we laughed
Mom will read it later
during her last or second to last day
at the hospital
as I open it
the timer goes off
I open the sliding glass door
walk out, open the grill
and lay supper on it
on tin foil
re-set the timer
add flavor
close the lid
and get back to the booklet
ooo, an Anne Lamott quote
nice
I continue page skipping
reading of poems
about worship
a story about a hike
[realizing I'd love to go
based on the writer's description!]
-ops! timer is going off again!
I skip page 23 altogether
[as I'll remember it when I read it again]
I read
I stop & check or flip supper
I read of Sabbath Location
and my mind wanders to the
Sacred Path under construction
calling to mind some of the pix
I've seen of it
I nod in agreement with the writing
ohh, the grill smells good!
suddenly
I am interrupted for the evening
supper is done
and I'm not!

by b. e. noll

broken poems

2011-09-28T22:12:00.003-04:00

Just sitting here

as I am
my mind is awash
in the sea of names
of people who are
praying for my family
the gladness of having
a group of people
praying,
caring,
for us
I find myself thankful
for Living Word
the people
the care,
grace,
& love
that cannot be avoided there
the ability
to learn
without being trampled on
or
jacked-up against the wall,
to "make me" into something
...that I'm just not
Thankful
for Jesus
wanting me
in spite of...
"the long & painful list"
of who I'm not,
what I have done,
what
I haven't

Yahweh,
Jesu,
Holy Spirit...
all
I want
is you
you are...
the only one
who can withstand
the storms
that rage [have raged] inside of me
the only one
who knows who
I am
& loves me anyway
I want YOU
I need you
so bad
I can taste it
You are
what I was looking for
I tried to purchase "you"
I tried to climb to you
I tried to rebel against everyone
to see you
to think incredible thoughts
so I could understand you
I tried to be everyone's friend
everyone's anything
Yet, you have been here
all along
Loving me
I
do not deserve
you
I'm glad you still want me
want to live with me
in me
through me
because
I want you
I need you
you
are what makes me
worth anything
If I am fun,
it's your fault
If I am intelligent,
it's your fault
If I am great
at anything
it's your fault
...
I'm saved
it's your fault
I will live forever,
it's your fault
I have the greatest parents,
it's your fault
poems,
photography,
it's your fault
without you
what would be worth looking at?
without you
why write anything?

thank you, Jesu
for being you,
& loving me
b.e. noll

well, another poem will be published in LW's inklings booklet. I'll link to it when it comes online.
Sorry for the fragmentedness of these. I just needed to write tonight. Now, I should go. I've been on here a bit too long.

an ongoing story...

2011-09-26T20:39:00.004-04:00

Well, Mom is doing much better. She sat up to eat on Sun. Took a short walk down the hall today. She is changing med.s [slowly off 1 & onto another]. Her platelets are coming up. She's @ 145 & needs to be @ 150. So things are looking good. I'm thankful for all the visitors she's had. All the prayers, for her recovery. She's going to get a blister on her foot looked at tomorrow that's slightly painful. I've been trying to write something... & I'm just not getting it. The words aren't there tonight. Perhaps later it will come. So for now, I guess I'll "let this be it". I'm tired... yet if I may... I'll leave you with a song that seems to stick with me lately. If today was your last day by Nickelback
I really like the line:
"..if today was your last day
& tomorrow was to late
could you say good-bye to yesterday?..."
The video is interesting as well.

Well... I guess I'll sign off for now.
May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

a harmony poem [at least in title]

2011-09-22T22:37:00.005-04:00

2 things to share here...
1. another song:
Doulos
by Kemper Crabb
from the disc The Vigil

"...
You are my God
And I am your man
And I will worship you
With the works of my hand
And the thoughts of my mind
And the love of my heart

If the world could know
If they could understand
that Ah, the exquisite touch
Of the Creator's hand
Brings a blur to my eye
But makes my vision clear

Ring, rainbow ring
Encircles the throne
Fiery ring of love
Around your throne..."

2. I wrote this early this morning. Thinking on many things. Thankful for the ways God "shows up" in my days....

The Shore of Uncertainty

I am suddenly
washed
onto a lonely beach
waves of doubt
crash over me
I sit here
drenched in doubt
I struggle
to get out
from under
the waves
then suddenly
I wipe my eyes
the waves
I can still hear
still see
but
they are distant
I have pulled myself away from them
…or…
have I?
I suddenly become aware
of another presence
I turn to face Him
realizing
that I didn’t pull me away
He did
my “ever present help in time of need”
I sit
next to Him
He holds me
The waves still crash
I still see them
I still hear them
however,
He is closer
Bigger,
stronger,
calmer,
calming,
calming me
which is every bit as good
as calming the storm
[maybe even better]

b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

a story continuing to unfold...

2011-09-21T21:52:00.004-04:00

Well, Mom is back in the hospital. In case I didn't say so here yet. There are "other turmoils" in my life @ this moment, as well. She has a blood clot. They put in an "umbrella". near her lung. She will be in pain for a while. Though last night she said her pain was a 7, tonight it was a 6. Which is good. She also stood for a whole minute. Which is progress. Many have said different things to comfort me. Some trying to put words to God's actions. I don't have any. God exists outside of both space & time... I've never been outside of either one. So, to some extent, I really don't "understand who I'm dealing with". I do see, as He sees. I cannot understand, as He does.
Music is a way I try to... cope/ put words or dialogue to things. How I get things out of myself. So... what songs come to mind here? Merciful Eyes, Blue Skies, & Restore My Soul by The Choir ...somewhat. Yet... as I continue to live [& hopefully grow] I'm confronted by an oddity. Songs to God seem to come to mind. I especially loved singing "It is Well With My Soul", among other hymns recently in church.
Tonight on my way to growth group, I had in some music by Kemper Crabb. I'll leave you with one of the songs...

[actually it's easier to link to my previous post of the lyrics, here]

sure of uncertainty

I certainly
don't know
what your up to
I don't know
why you haven't
snapped your fingers
"and fixed it yet"
I don't always know
why I can't understand you
I can't leave you either
[where would I go?!?!]
Here I am
in an uncertain place
the only thing I know
for sure
is I'm uncertain
how this will turn out
I don't know why
why her?
why now?
why this?
All I can do
is remember
that funny story
from when I was a kid
and didn't know an answer
rather than lie
or make one up...
"brian,
what does idk mean?"
"it means I Don't Know"
...and I don't
you know
I don't know
what your doing
I don't know
how you'll use this
...
but I've watched
I've read your book
I know
you will
of this
I am
also certain

...while I wait
for answers
to the prayers of many
will you
sit with me?
If nothing else
right now
just sit here
with me

b.e. noll

experiencing a Monday

2011-09-12T21:17:00.002-04:00

A Monday experience

my new cell rings
it announces that it's Dad
Mom is officially home
"Maybe you could stop by
and see her
but only for a little bit"
my day
chaotic
yet...
a restful harmony
flows under everything
today
Yahweh has seen fit
to allow me the blessing
of my Mother's safe return
to her home
I stop by
listening to the "sounds of home"
feeling the spirit
that always seems to permeate the house
I hold Mom
remembering this action
from multiple points
in my life
my whole body seems
to exhale
the last few weeks
seemingly
a long holding of my breathe
waiting for this moment
Dad making arrangements
Always looking out for her
[and me]
No more visiting hours
no more elevators
just 1 ...or 3 steps
depending on which entrance I use
Yet I am thankful
for the army
of prayers,
of support
that has been brought to the surface
through all of this
I'm thankful for a
more normal Monday

Thank You Jesu
for this Monday, especially
B. E. Noll

[My Mother arrived home safe, sound, & slightly tired today. She seems completely herself again. Which is a gift. Thank you for your prayers.
I feel more rested myself... or perhaps the word should be "settled".
Every breathe today, is a whispered thank you to God... a "breathing hug".]

9/11

2011-09-11T21:00:00.002-04:00

"...It's early fall,
there's a cloud
on the New York skyline
Innocence,
dragged across
a yellow line..."

-from The Hands that Built America by U2

Yes... I remember. I remember pulling weeds. I worked second shift, as a printing press operator. I can still see the sunny day it was...in my back yard. Mick came out to me... I knew something was up, she seemed...different. Brian, you need to come in & see this. A plane just hit the World Trade Center. "what...like a little Cessna?" "No, like a passenger jet. You're not gonna believe it, just come see." As I watched... I saw a replay...& then a silhouette of another passenger jet... "Honey, there's another one." She didn't believe me at first, until the announcer said "oh, God, another one hit -a second plane just it the South Tower..." It was every channel...every radio station. I think the hole country, the world, were just begging to hear the death toll go down.

I watched the movie World Trade Center. I still am captivated, by the Marine, walking through the debris... [in a commanding, loud tone] "This is the United States Marines. If you can hear my voice, yell or tap." Over & over & Over again. He finally hears something. When he gets to talk to 2 port authority officers trapped 20 ft. below him, they ask him "...the Marines? what mission sends the Marines here??" ..."You are my mission." Boy, does that sound like Jesus... or what? Walking through the Hell... you find yourself in... to tell you.... the cross, was for you. You are His mission. You are the reason... why He bothered to come here... why He bothered to die... I heard someone say to me one day: "If Jesus was God - or is God - why didn't He save Himself?" "because if He had... He wouldn't have saved anyone else."
Is love crazy? ...you tell me.

I'm trying to write a poem for this....it just feels too big....for words.

I began with U2... so also, I will end with them...

Peace on Earth
[ from the disc All That You Can't Leave Behind]

Heaven on Earth
We need it now
I'm sick of
all of this
Hanging around
Sick of sorrow
Sick of pain
Sick of hearing
again and again
That there's gonna be
Peace on Earth...

...Jesus could you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones
who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No who's or whys
No-one cries
like a mother cries
For peace on Earth
She never got
to say goodbye
To see the colour in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth

They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger, than any big idea...

...Jesus this song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth?
This peace on Earth

Peace to you, wherever you are, whatever you are going through,
B.E. Noll

Mom

2011-09-07T17:45:00.002-04:00

SURGERY UPDATE
Mom cried earlier. The nurse asked if she was in pain. No, She's sitting up & not feeling ANY pain what-so-ever. She's overjoyed. She's been sitting in an easy chair for 1.5 hrs. now!!
YEAH GOD!!!

...she could feel some pain over the next 24 hrs. I'm just so very glad that God has taken care of her. The surgery went well, however, it was to be 1.5 hrs. they started @ about 10:45 & ended @ 1:05. Needed to do more than first thought. But it went extremely well. THANKS FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!!!!

Ok. So Flooding wise, my basement is dry -yea! however, many have flooded basements in our area -& they are the blessed ones. As some areas have been evacuated. Tonight on WGAL 8 is the first time, I can remember, hearing that we have States of Emergency. States -plural! New 8 is on in the background. They just rescued some people stranded on the roof of a pick up, that's stuck on a bridge [not that you can see the bridge, mind you]. It's to rain again tomorrow.
...Noah called, the ark is on back order...
Yes, when the going gets tough, the tough... tell jokes. I was re-writing classic rock songs today @ work... "...come float away, come float away, come float away with me..." I'll tell you what "come on & take a free ride" has a WHOLE new meaning here. And the water park is closer than it used to be. The down side, of course, is that I own the "log" I'm riding in the flume ride!!!

well, I must go. It's my wedding anniversary. 15yrs!

take care out there in PA!!!
B

a different visual for a lyric

2011-09-06T21:24:00.005-04:00

I hope it's ok to do something I have been thinking of doing for quite some time now. I believe people who read this regularly [well, as regularly as I post on it] know that my musical tastes are rather wide. The following is for me, probably more than for you, it is an exercise in trying to ...print lyrics in a fashion that will deliver a similar effect as listening to the song itself. As I recently ordered my copy of the 40th anniversary of Discipline by King Crimson. It might even be appropriate. This is the last song on the disc. I hope it speaks to you...

Indiscipline
I do remember one thing...

It took hours
and hours
and hours
but..

By the time I was done with it
I was so involved

I didn't know what to think.

I carried it around with me for days
and days
and days
Playing
little
games -Like

not looking at it

for a whole day
And then..

looking at it. To see if I still liked it.

I did.

I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress.
I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress.
I repeat..

The more I look at it
The more I like it.

I do think it's good.

The fact is..
No matter how closely I study it

No matter how I take it a p a r t

No matter how
I
break
it
d
o
w
n

It remains consistent.
I wish you were here to see it.

I like it.
I hope you enjoyed this -B

surgery, pt...?

2011-09-06T21:11:00.003-04:00

Well, Mom did not have surgery today. Unless something unforeseen happens, she will have surgery tomorrow. 10 - 10:30am, 1.5 hrs for surgery, 1.5 hrs for recovery. Sorry, I feel a bit wrung out. And in the middle of being in the middle of things...

reflecting on "God isn't Santa"

2011-09-05T20:04:00.003-04:00

Well, Mom did not have her surgery last Fri. She will have her surgery tomorrow. She was on blood thinners so they could not do it last Fri. ...So when our teaching pastor yesterday talked about all the things we cannot control. I had to smirk. I've had time to calm down. Pastor Steve also talked briefly about our Alpha course. A place to ask questions. This usually is for those who don't know God, yet it speaks of the hard questions that come up in life. And after the let down of Mom not having surgery, this blogger..."fell to those questions". Summed up so well in this one:
"If God can fix everything...why doesn't he???" I wish you could here this said the way I have. So from Hard to get by Rich Mullins, to Better Than A Hallelujah, & Somewhere Down the road by Amy Grant flooded to mind after a while. Times like these are why I love the Psalms. Because 1 page you read of how great God is, mighty & powerful... the next page [sometimes in the same psalm] you read God...where are you? why don't you fix this, like now please?!?!?
Knowing God is not knowing the answers,
it's being friends with the one who does.
I've said this since my sister-in-law lost her twins. When asked: "are you mad at God? Cause it's ok if you are".
I answered: "No.
I know God too well to be mad at Him,
But not well enough to know what He's doing."
Obviously, this is still true. Many verses come to my mind Isaiah 40:12-26,
Psalms 139, 147:3... the list goes on.
Fri. from about 12:40 on I was just exhausted, & sick of the brokenness of this world. I was ready for Rev.21:1-6.
So, God isn't Santa. He doesn't just have a dorky smile waving a peace sign.
Truthfully, these moments are good for my relationship with Him. When the prayer is answered:
"not now" or "no".
When a friend: does something that betrays trust, or isn't as close of a friend as I thought [or maybe is too close for my good].
I go off by myself... & get away from every one I can... then I'm left with only 2 people... me & Yahweh. [God, The Father, Him who sits on the throne & holds the key of David, The Master, King God, etc.] And, at least 1 of us is never wrong.
Then I rant, to Him. I fall apart... [no one talks of yelling prayers, why not?...]
Then, something happens. He just listens. He's just there... with me. We feel closer [at least to me we do]. Because He's the God you can be real with.
Friday was a day I'm glad God is the way He is. Because that's what I needed. For Him to listen & draw near. A friend from church once said: "Sometimes, God can be can be closer than your skin." Friday was a day like that. [thanks for your words Connie]
Awesome God is not my favorite Rich Mullins song.
My Favorite? We are not as strong as we think we are.
Sunday was nice. To be in church. To be sitting next to my Sister-in-law & Brother-in-law. To be singing How Great Thou Art & How Great is our God.
[My favorite hymn? Great is thy Faithfulness.]

Yahweh,
thank you
for not being
paper
or plastic
thank you
that You created me
not
the other way around
thank you for coming
to me
even if I wished you'd come
to my rescue
Thank you
that even though
you don't answer all of my prayers
with a yes
Even though You don't give me
"all the answers"
You gave me the most important ones
Can we live together forever?
Can you save me?
thank you
for those yes'

B.E. Noll

Mother's voyage

2011-09-01T21:58:00.003-04:00

Well, Mom will have surgery tomorrow morning. 10 - 10:30, they will remove the cyst, work on her spine, & hopefully this will greatly improve her situation. It will take about 2 hours. Then an hour of recovery. She'll stay in till Tues. Hopefully Tues. we will bring her home. She's made friends with the nurses. Though, those who know her will laugh, Mom makes friends everywhere she goes. I know some who read this blog don't necessarily worship God, please know I'm not trying to shove Him down your throat. Yet, I'm not going to hide my belief in Him. And... I need Him, more than He'll ever need me.

Yahweh,
Please give the surgeons, nurses, & others involved
wonderful, restful sleep tonight
guide their thoughts, hands, & actions tomorrow
as they work on my precious Mother
Please let this give her the relief she needs
for that will give Dad, myself, & her
"army of children" the relief we need.
Holy Spirit
fill that operating room
give it a peace
that peace I have felt on occasion
reach into Mom & help to heal her
Jesu,
be in the rooms with Mom
walk through this with her
may she feel your presence
as she goes through her entire day
and may it bring her peace & calm
help them get everything done in there that they need to
touch her & heal her
help her to walk through recovery well
help her to know how many of us
have been touched by her love for you.

Thank you once again for my families
Mom & Dad,
The Nolls,
The Amspachers,
growth groups,
& LWCC
you have blessed me so very much

Love,
beyond the end of the sky,
B

praying for my Mother

2011-08-30T21:00:00.002-04:00

My mother went into the hospital on Fri. Diagnosed with a trifecta. She has a cyst about 1 & a half inches in diameter [in her back], a slipped disc, & her spine is shrinking. Now, it is normal as you grow older to have it shrink top to bottom... her's is shrinking in diameter. Just got home from seeing her. She is in terrible pain. She got an epidural, however it should take about 24 - 48 hours to "kick in".

Dearest Yahweh
please
wrap your loving arms around mother
unfold your peace on her
tuck her in with your grace
fill her room with your presence
let her breathe in your healing touch
expelling the pain & agony
please take her pain away
hold her during the hours that I cannot
thank you sweetest Jesu
for the gift of this woman
as my mother
give rest to her aching bones
sooth her muscles
with a whisper from your lips
please, also
be with my Dad
thank you for sharing him with me
thank you for supper together
for our church family
who have gently closed ranks around us
standing in the wings
"at the ready"
for co-workers
who even with their looks say
"we're here"
thank you for my extended family
who, through you,
are here with us
as we pray up a storm
thank you that we can shower you
with prayer
thank you for listening
for wanting us
for loving us,
not just to death...
but beyond it.

Love,
B

finally a new poem...

2011-08-07T22:45:00.000-04:00

The stillness of nature

Such a safe harbor
this place called nature
it’s soft symphony
beckoning me to be still
to slow down
to breathe deep its fragrance of peace
to walk in a lostness
that is peacefully enjoyable
to slowly experience
the unfolding artwork
before my eyes
the colors that sooth me
It’s creator
coming beside me as I walk
whispering to me
or wordlessly
we walk
enjoying each other’s company
for far too short of a time period…

to be unreachable

2011-07-18T22:05:00.002-04:00

I put up a post on annoying phone calls...here.
however... that makes me think about writing a poem...

unreachable
sometimes
it's so very nice
to be disconnected
unlatched
from this thing
called the internet
it's nice to walk
a path
instead of a superhighway
to power down
my techie stuff
& just walk off
into the wild
to get away from all
that I can
so that I can be with
him whom
I cannot escape

oh...
how I long
to get away with you
to walk along
a winding path
through
under
around
rocks
trees
streams
ponds
lakes
rivers
I long
to get lost
in the vastness
of you
to be in the presence of
the one who formed me
the one who keeps the universe
from fraying to pieces
the peace
the quiet
the tranquility
that my heart knows
when you are near
May I never be unreachable to you
for
if I am
I have sadly
chosen it
I will be
less than me
because of the choice

so make this bad, lonely choice
unreachable
[by choice]

by b.e. noll

untitled

2011-06-27T20:43:00.001-04:00

Worship the ground
worship the sky
call the Earth “mother”
If you wish

…but it is the father
Of the created universe
Him I will worship
He set all this in motion
what else,
should I dare to wonder,
is lurking
in His workshop
what else is being created
on His workbench??
if I used my whole brain
could I fathom
what it was?
how it worked?
could I look at it & still function?

b.e.noll
[written on a lark from a poem I just read. I'll be back on in a week or so...]

untitled

2011-05-02T22:18:00.001-04:00

this just came to me...while listening to peace on Earth, by U2....

[untitled]
I
myself
long for the day
when there are
cob webs
on tanks
that no longer work
when
the news of the day
is the death
of sin
and death
war
is told
"your job
has been phased out,
here's your pink slip"
families
can live together
fear
becomes
extinct
no one has to tell
the Devil
to go to Hell
because
we saw him
put there
the door slammed shut
and forever locked

...one day
not soon enough
my teary eyes
will see
that day
...the day
when we finally
get to say
literally
we got the Hell
outta here...

May His grace drip from your fingers,
b.e. noll

under the dust

2011-04-20T21:30:00.002-04:00

I really got an image in my head from something said in a class I was in tonight. We've all heard the expression of "kicking up the dust". So, here is a poem, inspired by this small phrase from class tonight.

Under The Dust

what is
under the dust
not really
the best
parts of "us"
didn't see it
till I kicked at it
but now that I do
I'd rather hoped
it had rusted away
the past?
the present?
pushed in a corner
dented

choices

some mine
some

body else's

mistakes made
I hide
in the shade
grab my blade
to slay or trade
my broken pieces
which to keep?
which should be
put to sleep?
which
make me feel
like a creep?
yet
under the dust
some garbage lies
don't want it to be seen
not trying to be mean
yet I mean
what I say
when I tell you
I want
to sweep it away
don't let it
come out & play
not today
not tomorrow
throw it out
like dead flowers
cause if it doesn't
get thrown away
it'll get kicked up again
someday

by b.e. noll

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

a sudden, & odd poem

2011-04-14T22:51:00.002-04:00

A farewell letter

sorry I must go
sorry
that is
for you
this isn’t as sad
as I thought it would be
at least
not for me
I have a story
I have
a storyteller
I do not always like the way he tells my story
or the speed
at which
I get to read [see]
the story unfold
sometimes
I even try not to let
the pages turn
for fear
of loosing something
or fear
of gaining something
that isn’t as good
as I’d like it to be
yet
this changes nothing
I still must live
more loosely
with you
than I originally did
Why?
because
I
let you
set my boundaries
you
however
are not
the author
of my story
I
must do
whatever it takes
to remove
you
from
the place that
the author
is supposed
to be
please
forgive me
for ever putting you there
I know
my author can
it is my hope
that you can
as well

by b.e. noll

I wrote this poem, moments ago. Just so I don't make anyone uncomfortable [please don't ask why I feel the need to type this] this is a good-bye of sorts to a variety of persons, places, objects, routines, habits, thoughts, etc. These are both past, & present. Thus, somehow, this poem seems to be written... more to me, than by me.

May his grace drip from your fingers,
B

untitled need to write

2011-03-28T21:05:00.002-04:00

[I don't know why this image grabs me of late]

As I travel
down this strange path
I wonder if the safest way
is shut
I wonder
if I've wondered too far off
as a song replays several of it's lines
hauntingly to me
questioning me
"what do you want?
what do you want?..."
dancing it's way around my head
have I burned a bridge?
is it the wrong one?
am I the one:
"...get your head out of the mud, baby.."
was written for?
is this You, asking?
am I in a zoo?
[is it of my own creation?]
are some of my thoughts
not thought out enough?
a man speaks on Sun.
he speaks my language
the language of music
the language of song
am I a song?
is my story/song a good one?
can you use it?
in our dance...
am I trying to lead?
or have I finally let you lead
or am I full of led?
it's from you
I wish to be fed
even if everyone else thinks
the things you use on me are wrong
I've never found you to make a mistake
[even though I've felt like one]
well...
while I'm dropping lines from a song
I want to be like the girl at the end
as long as the dreams I have are
written by you
in a "g clef" or just as a story
I really want my story
to be in harmony with your great story
my song to be in harmony
with your "theme of the cosmos"
[..& yeah, I "wanna dream out loud"...]

by b.e. noll
[with lyric lines borrowed from the U2 song: Zooropa]

For Matt

2011-03-09T22:23:00.003-05:00

I want to post on last Sun. [it was very powerful]. I also want to post on Lent.
For now though, I will post on "this week". Today is my Father's birthday. No matter how old I am, I'm still his kid. We had a wonderful weekend of being together. Lunch on Sun., ENCOUNTER on Fri., & a move on Sat.
Sadly, my friend Matt lost his father on Monday morning.
My earliest memory, is of when my mother, lost her mother, to cancer. [36 years ago, Jan 2nd...I was 4] I remember coming to her, in her room. She couldn't even speak. So I did what I saw Dad do, I held her. When Dad came home, I told Mom I was going to get him. This was the beginning of our family's "group hugs". We just held each other, for quite a while.
My Mother has an old Bible. On the blank pages she has quotes written. Like...
"This book will keep you from sin, or sin will keep you from this book."
one of my favorites, is from after her mother died.
"Death is not the extinguishing of a flame, it is the turning off of the light, because the dawn has come."
so, hear is a poem, for Matt. [& it's ok if it takes you a while to read this poem &/or post]

to see you again

a new hole
in my life
you
absent
our last good-bye
to last longer
than I would ever plan
to ache
more than expected
I say good-bye
to the shell I once knew
knowing
all the while
the real you
is no longer in there

while I bear much pain
small comfort
that you no longer experience
what is so loud to me now
in your absence
your laugh
now caught
in my memory
I hide it
in my vault
in hopes of remembering it
till I experience
time
outside of time
with you

this
here, then
is our final
good-bye
I cry
I ache
I long
to see you
yet I know
that while this is
our final good-bye
I long for
our final
hello
in a land
beyond time

B.E. Noll

songs... always seem to help me through. so, here are a few...
my favorite Rich Mullins song. [we are not as Strong as we think we are]
Karen sung this at her husband's Father's funeral [she is lead singer of Over the Rhine, her husband is co-founder] Angel Band.
Amy Grant has 2 wonderful songs that have "nursed" me through some dark days:
Better than a Hallelujah
Somewhere Down the Road
My friend Donnie doesn't like this song...when I hear it, I always think of my sister-in-law losing her twins. U2 Walk On
Chris sang this last Sun. ...I love this song [& it's forecast to rain tomorrow]
Healing Rain by Micheal W. Smith

Yahweh,
please walk with Matt & his family tomorrow
surround them with your peace
grace, & unmeasurable, unfathomable,
indefatigable love
Thank you for sending
Jesu to die,
and yet return to life
so that death
can be put
on the endangered species list
thank you that one day
death will die
and no one will morn it's passing
thank you Yahweh
for making a land
where good-bye
is obsolete
thank you
for being you
& loving us.
please bless Matt & his family with sleep tonight
and through the coming days.
amen.

Dad also writes [just not often]. and Encounter

2011-03-04T22:11:00.003-05:00

hey, a quick note to family & friends. on page 15 of the above booklet is an article on his latest trip to Guatemala. Written by my Dad. it'll probably be in pdf format soon on LW's "art @ LW blog" in the near future.
Dad, Thanks for writing.
LW thanks for sending [thank you to those who went with him].
Yahweh, thanks for keeping him safe.
DeAnn, thanks for asking him to write, & printing it.

My Dad doesn't write often... I get any writing ability from both of my parents, though. Yeah, I'm a proud...child.
Thankful... for both of my Dads [my Earthly one, & my Heavenly one]

Enounter was wonderful!! I need to get some sleep, yet as I experienced tonight's encounter, I thought of 3 songs from Neal Morse's One disc. Which has an overarching theme of The Creation, fall, & redemption of mankind.
enjoy...
Cradle to the grave [featuring Phil Keaggy]
Parts of this song seem like I wrote them.
"sometimes I wonder, why I was born at all..."
Father of forgiveness
Sung from the father of the prodigal's standpoint.
"who's that
up the road?
the child who went
his own
way
is back
among the living
let's take him back
to the beginning..."

Reunion
I've seen Christ's followers fight each other ...a lot. So I really love the last part,
"on our knee's, with open arms, we worship in one spirit....
make us one." It's a very celebratory song...

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

"Lending Dad"

2011-03-03T21:48:00.000-05:00

My Dad has been going on short term missions trips for a few years now. It does make me nervous sometimes. However, he always seems so energized when he comes home. He will be in one of the booklets that will [hopefully] come out on Fri. night. Talking about his experience in Guatemala.

When you’re gone
I miss you
when you go
I miss your activity
the way you move
like a hummingbird
without wings
Your laugh
the way you lead group
your hugs
I’m glad I get to
share the blessing
of your concern for others
your energy
and “get up ‘n go”
your helping others to feel a part of things
yet
I do miss you
I welcome you back
with open arms
a glad heart
and a
“Thank you Yahweh
for bringing him safely back to me” [-us]
a thank you
to Yahweh
for ever sharing you
with me at all

B.E. Noll

I keep forgetting

2011-03-03T21:30:00.001-05:00

I keep forgetting to link my photo blog to this one.
So here's my latest post from last Sat.
B

An "Art Bible"?

2011-02-22T00:04:00.002-05:00

Thought I'd post here of my excitement for The Four Holy Gospels. It features paintings by Makoto Fujimura. The only other book I've ever heard of that does this is The Book of Kells. Which is an actual book. I think it's roughly 400 years old. Both have paintings representing the four Gospels [Mathew, Mark, Luke, & John]. I currently have only seen pictures of the covers of such books. And the photos of the paintings from the Book of Kells that appear in Iona's album of the same name. Hearts & Minds has a wonderful post about the book here. You can also go to Mr. Fujimura's website & watch a video/ interview here. When I get it, I may give some thoughts on this work later on...

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Valentine's Day & a song 4 a friend

2011-02-15T21:01:00.002-05:00

Well. So much to say about Valentine's Day. I used to hate this holiday -even after being married! I'm not into being "made to do something". I should not need a day to remember to "date" my wife. Ok, you get how I felt. Now, though, it's more of "another chance to" spoil her. An "excuse" to come up with a unique, romantic way to show her how important she is. [as only a "strange romantic" like me can scheme it] I took a net of white Christmas lights & hung it from the ceiling of our unfinished basement. hooked up the really old Harmen/Karden receiver & four speakers to my TV/VCR/DVD through the TV's headphone jack. So we'll go down there, probably Fri. night & watch another concert. I scored tix to Brad Paisley in Hershey for this Thurs. He is a really good guitar player, & if he lived here & wasn't famous, we'd get along fine. He has a similar sense of humor to me. However, truthfully, [sorry Brad] I have to confess, I'm really not a "big Brad Paisley fan". I'm a big fan of a Brad Paisley fan.
That's what love does, though. It doesn't say "your mine" so much... it says "I'm yours" [often without the use of lips & vocal chords].

Well, for Mom... & for a struggling friend. Here are the many videos, & lyrics of the closing song from Sun. morning... first video, second, with may J. Blige
ONE
by U2, from the cd: Achtung Baby

Is it getting better,
or
do you feel the same?
Will it
make it easier on
you, now
you got someone to blame?
You say
one love,
one life,
when it's one need
in the night.
One love,
we get to share it
Leaves you baby
if you
don't care for it.

Did I disappoint you
or leave a bad taste
in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
and you want me to go without.
Well, it's
too late
tonight
to drag the past out
into the light.
We're one,
but we're
not the same.
We get to
carry each other,
carry each other...
one

Have you come here
for forgiveness,
Have you come
to raise
the dead?
Have you come here
to play Jesus
to the lepers in your head?
Did I ask too much,
more than a lot
You gave me nothing,
now it's
all I got.
We're one,
but we're
not the same.
Well, we
hurt each other,
then we do it again.

You say
love is a temple,
love a higher law
Love is a temple,
love the higher law.
You ask me
to enter,
but then you make me crawl
And I can't
be holding on
to what you got,
when all you got is hurt.

One love,
one blood,
one life,
you got to do what you should.
One life
with each other:
sisters,
brothers.
One life,
but we're
not the same.
We get to
carry each other,
carry each other.
One,
one.

personal history.
I came to this song first as a song to be sung to "religious people". There are many who just don't like me because I... "see life through a radically different lens". Recently re-listening to the whole disc, Acrobat is a song that also works for me from that time. [a pre- LW era, time. which is where the King's X lyric from a previous post is coming from as well]
Now this got old. Achtung Baby is an album that I got rid of for a while. It came out as my world seemed to be burning down. It became a soundtrack for that. I saw all the songs as about what/who I was loosing [& it never occurred to me, that I should maybe be glad...until much later on].
Only in recent times have I begun healing on a "story wide" level, & can see the songs in different ways & get more meaning out of them. It doesn't seem as dark "this time around". As I have listened to one in a marriage "sense", it seemed wrong for a song about marriage, yet the second video for the song lends itself to a "marriage image". I also see the whole disc as being about marriage.

I currently get to hear one side of a struggling marriage. A marriage ...trying not to die, while not sure if it wants to live. Full of painful questions...& doubt. Some look at my parents & think that they "make marriage look easy". Nothing worth anything, is ever easy. We don't write songs about people who did things that were easy. We don't stand up & cheer for people who did things that anybody could have done. We stand up & cheer for people who faced darkness, doubt, fear, false accusations, painful life experiences... And they said I will not be defined by this. I will not stand by & just let this continue. I will not take the easy way out.
People ask: "any good quotes on marriage?"
My Mother asked me this on my wedding day. I'm sorry that only in the past year or 2 can I truly say "YES" to it.
"Don't marry her, because you can live with her.
Don't marry her, because you can't live without her.
marry her, because no one will love her like you will."
[I've told Mickey many times, in tears, the only man who loves you more than me...
has holes in his hands]

Love is not a woman walking down the aisle in a white dress,
it's kneeling next to the toilet, @ 3:30 in the morning,
with her hair in 1 hand, & a towel to wipe her mouth in the other.
Love isn't pretty, it's pretty necessary. We all need it [whether we say so... or not].

Pastor Steve has 2 of my favorite sayings on love:
#1. If you are better tomorrow than you were today, God won't love you any more,
and if you are worse tomorrow than you are today he won't love you any less. Because God loves you to the maximum.
#2. It may be a "match made in heaven", but it has to be lived out here on Earth.

to anyone struggling tonight, hang in there. It is worth it [& so are you]
Bono says it better here...
May his grace drip from your fingers,
B

a song of Lament

2011-02-09T22:04:00.007-05:00

Steve Garber mentioned that the church needs songs of lament. Steve, here are 2 of my favorites...

Hold Dearly To Me
(by Michael Roe, from the disc “Safe as Milk”)

what do you do
when you're in total frustration Lord?
what do you do
when you're in total despair?
what can you say
when you dial that number
and the only person you want to talk to is never really,
really quite there?
this person
cannot bring me happiness
this person
cannot bring me joy
Gracious God lift me higher,
let me see your beautiful face
i gotta know
who my true friends are
and where's my home sweet home
many nights i've wandered
alone down this street of pain
many days i've stumbled
out into the darkness of daylight
many years i've wandered,
wondering just where i'll end up
in a festering heap of flames
or a shivering cold
cold night
good God almighty
scoop me up
and set me free
let me walk in Your forgiveness
make a man out of me
Lord i've been jumping at shadows,
like a snake
i've been eating my tail
let me trip,
let me stumble but
please
please don't let me fail
i'm a fly by night,
i'm a dog by day
i've got a room full of beautiful memories
growing old and in the way
i got a heart that's been broken
over and over again
some by lovers, some by brothers, but
most of all by my own dirty little hands
let me sit at your holy feet,
let me count the hard cost
of what is right and what is wrong,
of who is kind and
who can only be the boss
let me lie awake
and seek the truth from thy holy face
out of the holy mouth thundering forth
out of the holy place
let me walk
stand and talk
with the mind of one given over
only to the things
that i know you hold dear
let me soften my heart,
let me harden my footsteps
as i press toward the mark of
your safe place
without any fear
hold dearly to me
hold dearly to me
hide me,
drape me,
closely and safely Lord
Hold

I Need God
(by Michael Roe, also from “Safe as Milk”)

i
need God
in all
the familiar places
that this lonely
heart
of mine embraces
oh
i
need God
well i
need God
but i've wandered
so far away
more and more
each and
every day
i
go astray
well, his open arms
reach out to me
longing and begging
to set me
free
will i reach out
and take them
or turn away
forsake them?
no,
no,
no...
well, i
need God
but i wonder
if He can still
hear me
and if so,
won't
You please
draw near to me
oh,
please, please God

I was going to add an old poem I wrote. However, I have yet to find it. So, perhaps I'll post it when I do. I wrote it shortly after the Amish school shooting. I used to live in Lancaster, PA when I was young. I only remember the title off the top of my head.
I called it: "Why must the children die?".

I have many thoughts on Valetine's day. They are in the "collection & sort through them" stage right now, though...

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

today

2011-02-05T21:41:00.002-05:00

Went to "The Summit" today. My Babe [1 of the 50 some nick names I have given my wife] went with me, which made it so much cooler. We did separate for the afternoon sessions. [Thanks Heather & Jen for sitting with her through those!] It was very good for me. Steve Garber seems like someone I would hang with. Eventually asking what movies he's seen lately & liked as well as who is musically grabbing his attention. I like finding people who allow God to speak to them through very unexpected places. From children's movies, to Marvel movies, to mainstream musicians, to art, to books. I smiled as he played 40 by U2 & later on I had a very strong reaction to him playing The Fray's You Found Me. If I dig, I might find a post on here where I wrote a poem kind of "brought out" by the song. It was sad to hear that some musicians have had bad experiences with the church being opposed to the way they write &/or play. Saying that God can't be in or happy with it. I've had my own bad experiences with people within the church in a similar regard. I even had a rather harsh conversation with a Senior Pastor once. [Not @ LW, not Pastor Steve] I hate to be forceful with people, yet sometimes you kind of have to speak the truth firmly to some people. Then hope that later on they become glad you did. I've had it work that way, it doesn't make it easier to do, though. I'm definitely "not a fan" of it.
Today has made me wonder... is/are my blogs, poems, photography my vocation?
What eternal significance does my writing on here have?
You can answer...yet I really want an answer from Yahweh. Truthfully, is this from/ for him?
Another question to ponder, came from the last session. Steve spoke of Issac [from The Fray] wondering about writing darker songs. Steve questioned us on it, LW's own DeAnn even spoke of people being receptive to our more painful poems. Why is that?
I find it so..."strangely inexplicable" that when we share [in story, song, talk, poetry] our own broken messiness, our scars, our longings, our hurts, our hopes that lie unfulfilled...we find a line from Message in a Bottle to really be true: "a hundred million bottles cast upon the shore. seems I'm not alone at being alone, a hundred million cast aways, looking for a home..."
the painful part of this is our hurts... are often what we have in common. Pain is, can be, common ground. Issac sings something...& suddenly I can feel like "yeah, ...me too. I've felt that way." or he has found a way to say, with the proper expressiveness, what I feel. Or... he says something I long to hear from someone close to me. The oddness is we don't share because we feel that people will see the real me, and decide "oh, ah, no good bye. I don't want to be near you now that I know ____ about you." When it is in this knowledge that we more often go "you get me". [and now I think I've said the same thing twice, I say again...] My other session was very confirming that I am in a vocational/ career change. Now I need to do the steps she mentioned. So as to keep moving forward.
I'm still sorting through a great many things here.
Before I go...my mood is steadily improving. I'm becoming easier to get along with again. My stomach is settling down again. I'm returning to my rhythm, slowly. Breathing is better than ever.
You found me really hits me in it's chorus.
"you found me
lying on the floor"
I've been in moments where I was just lying on the floor, or ground. Unable, sometimes unwilling to move. Hoping not to be found. I've had a few people who have done some really self absorbed & cruel things to me. Others, whom I've told a few details to, say they want to hurt the ones who were cruel to me.
being cruel to someone, doesn't erase the cruelty that they've done, to someone else.
today, as I think of this, I was reminded of a few lines from a King's X tune, called Charlie Sheen [which I don't think has anything to do with the actor]
"...and you can have your reasons
for the bloody war
but I don't wanna hate you
for what your not sorry for..."
sorry this is all over the place, and without a closing poem...

the bitter pill

2011-01-31T20:01:00.003-05:00

well, I'm on some med.s, as well as having my usual rhythm distorted. In some ways this is good. It allows me to try somethings. My plans for a "unique Valentine's Day" treat for Mick are going well. However my mood, & my stomach, are very erratic of late. Which inspires a "less than jolly" poem tonight...

The bitter pill

again
with these pills.
trouble,
distraction,
bad,
shallow thought garbage.
actions
that shouldn’t be
acted out,
or wrote down
for that matter.
up, down, inside out
outside in
the end of a rope
the start of a design
meandering through
preparing for some things
not ready for anything

What a bitter pill this is
not prescribed
by a doctor
this bitter thing
needs to dissolve
to go away
not to be revisited
permanently grounded
buried, really
preferably
somewhere
no one
will ever want to come out
and play near.

by b.e. noll

Rest, questions, indecition

2011-01-18T22:17:00.003-05:00

I'm still working on "managing my digital life". Actually, as Donald Miller puts it on his blog, my "digital clutter" [and my other clutter]. I go back & forth with whether to have 1 blog & jump from poem to photos to thoughts to drawings to... So I may end up pulling everything to here. Feeling this way tonight.
So [with more than a little irony] Tomorrow my growth group will talk about the sabbath. Rest. Sometimes others have wonderful questions for us to discuss in group. Can it be my turn? -oops, that's a question already.
What is rest to you? Can be different for different people? Are there things that can never be rest -for anyone? Are you looking forward to your next chance? Are you running from rest?
For me, part of my worship & rest is hiking. Taking photos while hiking, even writing & drawing can be restful for me. Often my Sat. mornings are my sabbath. Largely for this reason. It's also why I drag my feet with publishing photos. It's kind of letting others in on my private time with The Almighty. Not that you can hear our "conversation", yet... there is a "sacredness" to the event. I think of Phil Keaggy when I think of this. His instrumental cds seem like I am allowed into his prayer closet when he has run out of words, picks up his guitar, & continues praying through the instrument.
Well, as I abruptly switch gears, I should go for now.
One of my older poems is in the current issue of inklings.
I really enjoy picking these up & reading the other stories & poems inside.

Sabbath
rest
exhale
a time
for calm
a time
for You
for us
a chance to
unplug
tune out
the frantic
"act now"
urgency
that seems
to ooze from everywhere
nerves
muscles
relax
a recalibration
a healing moment
between tasks
or battles
I always know
when
I need one
either
because I'm counting down to it
or because
I'm long overdue
thank you
for always showing up
for each
and every one

b.e. noll

Re-Imagine [a "work-in-progress"]

2011-01-06T20:18:00.004-05:00

I'm a bit nervous to do this. This is a "weird sort of thank you" for the new art display in the Common Grounds coffee bar @ LW.
It's called "Being Made". It features unfinished "works-in-progress" by LW artists. We are God's "works-in-progress". So, to harmonize with this, here are 2 unfinished poems.
I hope some of you can bear with me, as I used 2 John Lennon songs as the impetus of the poems.
I get to hear, rather loudly for my taste, classic rock at work. Being in the middle of a rather prolific period of poem writing, "imagine" came on. And some of these "lyrics" [if you can call them that] came out of me. So unfinished, untamed, unedited [yikes]...
here is a "re-do" of Imagine, & Happy Christmas [war is over], my favorite version of this last song, is by The Alarm. [doesn't this guy ever get sick of Christmas??]

"Re-Imagined"

Lennon’s IMAGINE

Imagine there’s only
1 country
land as far as the eye can see
1 beach
to land on
at the edge
of a mighty sea
1 unchallengeable king
to serve, willingly
one who’s not
high on himself
Yet has the right
to be
nothing to kill or die for
His kid
did that all for me

Who loves you too

Imagine
all
of us living
life
together
peacefully

you may say I’m dreaming
I’m not the only one

I hope someday you’ll join us
When the world
will be ruled by one.

Imagine there’s only 1 country
land as far as the eye can see
1 beach to land on
at the edge of a mighty sea
1 unchallengeable king
to serve, willingly
imagine all of his people
living
peaceably
yoo hooh ooo ooo

I hope
you will join us
on that day
when the world
will be healed
and we’ll live [and worship] the one

[Happy Christmas {war is over}]

and so this is Christmas
last
and longest one
on a land without darkness
can’t help but be fun
the happiest Christmas
one that will never end
the one where
I get to see
my best gift
His one
and only son
face to face
to have
and to hold
to be held
to behold
the war
is finally won
war is over
been waiting impatiently
war is over
now
all colors are equal now
every
single one
don’t matter where you came form
don’t matter how you got here
only that you’ve come
all of time is over
happy Christmas
happy endless “new year”
joy
to see friends
family
long lost to me
all gathered around
healthy
wise like “old people”
energetic
like children
[what a joy it is
to know
that when Jesus said
he was “going to prepare a place for me”
he knew
how to decorate it
-home isn’t a place
home is the people closest to us
all gathered together-

And so
this is what it was all for
birth in a manger
death on a cross
buried in a tomb
that was empty
3 days after

-well... told ya it was a rough draft.
enjoy.
I'm looking forward to a small snow storm, here [1-3 inches]. If it snows, I will rejoice and be glad of it.
Thankful for the maker of snow,
B

a new post... sorta

2010-12-29T23:03:00.001-05:00

I didn't write a poem for a while, but I have a "quick" post here.

Have a wonderful new year,
Enjoy the journey,
B

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 12]

2010-12-24T22:49:00.001-05:00

Jesu

thank you
for coming here
for allowing us to adore you
Jesu,
you are
the greatest gift of all
you came
so we can do more
than call you
our God
you came to deepen our
relationship
with you
with God
our father
thank you
for being
Emmanuel
God with us
thank you
for saving us
from our sin
from death
thank you
for never leaving
or forsaking
us
I can write
a thousand poems
it'll never come
half way
to telling
how wonderful
you are
who am I
that you would save this wretch?
that you would choose
to leave your throne
to leave the forever
praises that are sung
age
after endless age
to you
THAT
you deserve
not this
not a barn
not a cross
not beaten & bruised
certainly not death
I deserve
these things
not you
you
want
me
that
bad?
...joy
to the world
indeed
my heart sings
right along
with thousands
of others before me...
"hallelujah...
and you
shall reign
forever
and ever
King of kings
Lord of lords..."
Born the King of angels
Born the King of all I can see
and much I cannot see
[much less fathom]
Thank you
for the sunset tonight
all of nature
rejoices
in the beauty
of it's creator
I've said this
to humans
but
it is infinitesimally
more true
of you
It may be
your birthday, Jesus
but we
got the gift!
thank you for the gift
of yourself
thank you, Jesus...
for being you
and loving me

rejoicingly yours,
b.e. noll

"glory to God
glory to God
in the highest
...peace on Earth
for the saving
King has come
and his light is here
for all who live
in darkness..."

We have seen a great light,
a brand new dawn,
of a never ending day,
his name
is
Jesus,
joy of man's desiring
desire
fulfilled

Happy Birthday Jesu!

hope this was as fun for you who read it, as it was for me.
May you have a very Merry Christmas
and a blessed new year,
Maria's here -like, in the house, so I may not post for a few days.
may God bless you all,
goodnight

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 11]

2010-12-23T23:10:00.001-05:00

Sweet Holy Spirit

Thank you for leaving
unending glory
to live in my small
and often too dark
and cold heart
Thank you

that you would speak to the father
on my behalf
for helping me sense
his
[and your]
love for me
in dark times
for carrying me through
many of them
thank you for showing up
in
nightmare places
and transforming them
into
moments of
"peace
that passes
all understanding"
thank you for your willingness
to let Jesu
die
to save
a wretch
like me
thank you that in that event
you
[all
blessed 3 of you]
show
most powerfully
that love
isn't pretty
but it's
pretty necessary
with much love
and respect
you adopted child

b.e. noll

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 10]

2010-12-22T22:35:00.001-05:00

Dear Abba

Yahweh
thank you
for loving me, us
enough
to send
the "crown jewel of heaven"
your son
to show me
how to have
an intimate relationship
with you.
you sent
you son
to save us
to tear down
the barrier
that separates
us
from you
you paid
the ultimate price
so we can live
with you
forever
let all
that has been created
sing

b.e. noll

"...Mary's boy child
Jesus Christ
was born on Christmas day
and man will live
forever more
because of
[Easter Sunday]
...oh
my Lord
you sent
your son
to save us
oh
my Lord
your very self
you gave us
oh my Lord
that sin
would not enslave us
and
love may reign
once more.."

2 days till we celebrate...

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 9]

2010-12-21T20:30:00.001-05:00

Christmas, it's not about us

it's not about the lights
it's not about
cool new arrangements of familiar carols, played
it's not about
how many
or
how big
the gifts are
under the tree...
it's about who would be nailed
to that tree
it's about what he did 3 days later
It's about
prophecy fulfilled
it's about the worth
of weary souls
it's loneliness itself
being cast out
to walk by itself
It's about what we can give
to those
who don't know how
and do not have the means
to give back
it's about:
"we love
because
he
first
loved
us"
Pastor Steve has said
"you cannot out give God"
just for fun,
try
anyway

b.e. noll

"Joy
to
the world
the Lord
has
come...
and he
shall reign
forever
and ever
King of kings
Lord of lords"

He shall be High King God
from
"once upon a time"
to
"happily ever after"

let me live into
the words of Your messenger:
"I bring you
good news
that shall be
for all people.
Today
in the city of David
a Savior has been born
to you;
he is Christ
the Lord"

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 8]

2010-12-20T20:30:00.001-05:00

A silent night

amid the chaos
amid the hustle
the bustle
of normal life
in a desert like town
a silent holiness
came
turning a barn
into a temple
not a temple
for the rich
not a temple
for the influential
or for the “stars”
of any age of men
a temple
for the lost
for the lowly
a temple
for the rest
of us
a baby
born in a barn
who would grow up
to save the world
here
there was a beautiful silence
a beautiful holiness
as the best chapter
of an unbelievable
severely brutal
love story was beginning
a love story
of
and for
all time
“good tidings
of great
[and unending joy]
that shall be
for all people
[of the entire
human race
from Adam & Eve
to the last humans born
in this world]
for
unto you
is born
this day
in the city of David
[our] savior,
Christ
The Lord”

The last song
we sing
[@ LW]
on Christmas eve
is Silent Night
there is something profound
in the singing
of this carol
maybe
it’s the fact
that so many nights
leading up to Christmas
are anything
but silent
not
necessarily
holy
Christmas
seems to turn life upside down
Sin
does pretty much the same
Yet
Jesus shows up
and
rights things
putting things
in their proper order
in their proper perspective
The first time he does this
it really feels weird
having been upside down
for so long
it takes time
to adjust
yet
once you do
the
“old way” seems
so silly
so shallow
so unimportant

Jesu,
as I prep
not only for my
“little sister’s” return
help me to keep
your perspective
on all things
Christmas things
and non

b.e. noll

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 7]

2010-12-19T22:58:00.003-05:00

Last night I kind of "hit a wall". I had a minor meltdown. Seems funny now. I realize what I wanted, would make me miserable if I got it. Some "gifts" we ask for are like that.
Tonight, I wasn't sure I could keep my 12 poems project going. Which, in a way, is also funny. No one's going to "hunt me down" if I can't do it one night. It fits into that old joke. "It isn't a 'final exam'. Now, if they took you out back & shot you if you failed, that would be a FINAL exam." I'm trying to prepare room for my sister-in-law. Well, that's my excuse anyway. I just need things cleaned up around here. Mick & I sat down to kinda run through our plans for Fri. Sat. & Sun. What thing will be like, Maria coming on Tues. [and praying she doesn't get stranded anywhere on her way here]

Talked to a friend today, which influenced my poem tonight...

preparing

So much
goes into Christmas
hard to believe
it began in a barn
me
I think I’m immune
to all the
“holiday mayhem”
then
in the blink of an eye
I’m right in the middle of
Pastor Steve’s talk this morning
all
self enthroned
with what I want
why do we do this?
why do I?
walking around
like the world owes us something
I think the world
really does owe me something
and I’m learning to
thank God that he hasn’t
let the world give it to me
I have a feeling it won’t be as grand
as I’d like to think it should be
-and me
of all people
my life has had
darkness
ugliness
in it,
sure
ugly enough
I’m not comfortable sharing
BUT
I have so much more
than so many
I’m sure
many people would buy me
all kinds of things
to get
what I have
because no store
sells
what I have
a loving wife
a loving family
loving parents
through my dear sweet Mick
I have sisters,
a brother,
nieces
Wal-mart doesn’t sell these
…
there is a throne
in my heart
and I need to be
kneeling in front of it
not sitting on it
someone far more
selfless needs to sit there
“… let every heart
prepare him room..”
the song says
I think
I need him in every square inch
of my heart
maybe I need to give him a skeleton key?
you know,
“All access”
I’m glad for second chances
I seem
to keep
right on
needing them

b.e. noll

oh, & I liked family circus today...

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 6]

2010-12-18T18:25:00.000-05:00

…and the word became flesh…

a book
a living book
John says it
in the beginning
was
the word
was with God
the word was God
in seven days
we celebrate
the word
becoming flesh
dwelling with us
no more saying
“your way up there
you have no idea
what it’s like down here”
33 years
for “knowing what it’s like”
A compassionate counselor
a healer
a friend
a savior
unto us
is given
born in a “back water town”
how did Luke Skywalker put it?
“if there is a bright spot in the universe,
you are in the place it is furthest from.”
born
the humble king
king of the downtrodden
born
in someone else’s barn
died
for someone else’s crimes
buried
in someone else’s tomb
The word
became flesh
to do all this
Lewis’
“Great Lion”
John
in Revelations
speaks of him this way first
the Lion of the tribe of Judah
he is worthy
the word
a child
the word
a boy
the word
a man
the word
a lamb
the word
a Lion
the word
a conquering King
…
the greatest hero
of the greatest love story
ever lived

b.e. noll

for unto us
a child is born
for unto us
a son is given
his name
shall be called:
wonderful counselor
mighty God
Prince of Peace
everlasting Father

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 5]

2010-12-17T22:00:00.001-05:00

a thankful, yet untitled, poem...

Jesu,

Thank you
that I have 2 cars that work
a home
that keeps me warm
and dry
Thank you
for my parents
so few, can claim
to be as blessed as I
thanks for Dad’s impromptu little shopping trip last Sat.
and for our feast Wed.
and Mom’s brownie
Thank you
for my friends
for little messages
that they send [that are saved on my phone]
for the ability to call one up & say
“Narnia” this Sat.?
sure
Thanks for Mick
who new I’d grow up to enjoy dolls?
especially one who talks & dresses herself
and talks to me
thanks for all she has given me
a brother
sisters
and then one sister & my brother
giving me 2 cute as a button nieces
who new
that it would feel so good
to be
“Uncle Brian”?
thanks for a church
that feels like
home
a good place to learn
share
grow
thanks for snow
for the 2 things snow
always says to me
#1. Over the Rhine says quite well
“…the snow is falling, falling like forgiveness from the sky…”
#2. Only a God like you
can change an entire landscape
by adding only 1 color
Thank you for being an artist
and for putting that artistic trait
in so many of your people!
it’s fun
to be an artist
for
The Artist
thank you
for you
for all you’ve done
for all you are now doing
for all you will do
in what I call the future
-love beyond the end of the sky,
B

By B.E. Noll

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 4]

2010-12-16T22:24:00.002-05:00

Undefeatable Kingdom

Beyond
a great ocean
an unknowable barrier
separates me
from a place
beyond magic
beyond fantasy
a place that defines both
yet
is bound by neither
The West,
Narnia,
Aslan’s Country,
Eden,
Heaven,
“the source”,
You came from a place
beyond places
a place
outside of time
and space
to save me
from a place
I feel
I got far too close to
to begin with
so that I can inherit
your
Undefeatable Kingdom
I get to follow
the Grandest of
Grandmasters
learning
from the master
of Masters
The master of all things
knowable
and unknowable
fathomable
and unfathomable
what’s that old hymn?
“How Great Thou Art”
somehow
doesn’t cover it
You will let me live
in this indescribable kingdom
You want me to live there
with you
words are lost
they
“run for cover”
knowing they are unable to explain
what your actions
your love
does
and means
to me

B.E. Noll

To the ruler of Undefeatable Kingdom

How great
are you God
can’t help but sing of
how great
you are God…

…let heaven & nature sing
with us
of how great
how great
you are God
how great
are you God
we don’t really know
how great
you are God
we paint,
write,
play,
carve,
photograph,
and sing,
of how great
how great
you are God…

“…peace on Earth
good will
to men
from heaven’s
all gracious King…”

8 days till we celebrate your birthday Jesu...
please give safe travel mercies to Maria, on her journey home to us.
And please have very little snow between here & the airport on Tues.
thanks for helping her to come home to us. Never thought I'd ask you for little to no snow. help me sleep good, let Mick feel better before she gets here.
Love you,

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 3]

2010-12-15T22:05:00.002-05:00

I'm sort of "crossing over" from my Organic by Design blog, here at the beginning...

another favorite "classic" carol...

I love the version from Trans-Siberian Orchestra [T.S.O.'s] song "Prince of Peace"...

Hark
the herald
angels sing
Glory to
the newborn King!
Peace on earth
and mercy mild
God
and sinners
Reconciled
Joyful,
all ye
nations rise
Join the triumph
of the skies
With
the angelic host proclaim:
Christ is born
in Bethlehem
Hark!
The herald
angels sing
Glory to
the new
born
King!

Reconciled

Jesu
this is more
than just a celebration
of your birthday
more
than just
“thanks for coming”
YOU
fixed
my relationship
with your dad
I never
even
had to
ask you to

by B.E. Noll

[untitled…
or, perhaps: the rebuilder]

God created the world
but Lucifer said
"I can ruin this"
God
loved people
He had a relationship with them
but Lucifer said
"I can ruin this"
Jesus came
and
on one Friday
Lucifer said
"I can ruin this"
…
but 3 days later
Jesus walked out of his tomb
and HE said
"yes,
but I can rebuild it."

b.e. noll

“behold, I make all things new” -Jesus [Revelations 21:5]
…joy
to
the world
The LORD
has come
let Earth
[& all of her inhabitants]
receive
her
KING

9 days till we celebrate
your birthday, Jesu!

12 poems of Christmas? ["day" 2]

2010-12-14T22:33:00.002-05:00

welcome to a slightly later than I'd like edition of my "self challenge".
The movie referenced in this one is Narnia's "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader". It was really good. I loved the end. [thanks for going with, Joe]

A midnight clear

They say it came
perhaps for them
for me
however
it came
over the course of
many events
this
“I will never leave you or forsake you”
it came to me on
“normal looking” days
Nothing seemed “out of the ordinary”
till things went wrong
wrong enough to end me
yet
didn’t
wrong enough,
sometimes,
to make me want
my story to be over
roll credits
bring up the house lights
drop your 3D glasses
into the bin
discuss what you liked afterward
with a friend
at a fast food joint
but on my
nights that were
not so clear
my days
that were not so
“merry & bright”
he
came
[or, perhaps better said, he stayed]
showed me
that even if I couldn’t see
anyone who cared
it didn’t mean
that they weren’t there

I’m glad
that when I asked you
to end my story
you said
no.
…funny,
seeing a movie
Sat.
with a good friend
I want to leave my life
the way the mouse
left the movie screen
thank for hanging with me
& a friend
in a movie theater
on a Sat.
Thanks
for writing my story
for forgiving me
when I want
to wrestle the pen
from your hand
most of all…
thanks
for being
the hero
of my story

By B.E. Noll

12 poems of Christmas?

2010-12-13T22:03:00.002-05:00

[a self challenge] I'm going to see if I can write 12 poems of/about/because of Christmas.
[...ah, & if some are lame, well... to borrow a quote from Jim Carry "be gentle"]

a quest, a journey [pt. 1]

They traveled so very far
to see you
through the desert
on camels
sadly
you have been with me
all along
yet it took so long
to turn around & see you
to really
"prepare him room"
...
it has taken photography
to see
"heaven & nature sing"
of you
and sing
it surely does
12 days
till the celebration
of your coming
begins.
...or
re-intensifies.

I'm sorry I almost
ruined it for you
the why you came
sorry to myself
that I almost missed it
[or almost gave it back]

All this
to save
your people
this birth
your birth
a new hope
marks
a new count down
a count down
to the beginning
of something you said
in John's Revelation
you came
to
die
and then
to rise
3 days later
marking the beginning
of:
"behold,
I am making
all things new"

by B.E. Noll

a better Christmas poem?

2010-12-09T23:28:00.000-05:00

This poem is inspired by an online Christmas disc from Dustin Kensrue

[which is where I got the title from]

This Goodnight is Still Everywhere
Silent night
holy night
silent
till the angels came to shepherds
watching their flocks
So much has happened
since that silent, holy night
so many more
than the
“we 3 kings”
have traveled so far
we bear nothing to give
but what is left of ourselves
…now here I am
in another Christmas
“holiday rush”
putting up a tree
built like an upside down “hairy umbrella”
with lights on it
I don’t need this tree
the decorations
the stockings
the angel on top
I don’t need the cookies,
homemade fudge,
‘n such
I still need
that boy
the homeless
adopted
son
of a Nazarene carpenter
I need Him to come
[even though some say His birthday
is actually closer to mine,

Than my Mom’s]
because how can he die
if he was never here?
O
come
please come
Emanuel
Thank you for coming
for the faithful
and the not so much
Thanks
for not being Santa
Santa gives gifts to good boys & girls
You give to bad ones
because
we’re all bad
sooner or later
Your birthday
…but we
get the gift
the gift of you
oh what a goodnight
this is
and this goodnight
is still everywhere
and this goodnight
is for everyone

[…thanks for buying us…”as is”

….greater still, thanks….for not leaving us
as you find us….
“…& I will never
be the same again…”]

by B.E. Noll

A Christmas poem?

2010-12-09T21:36:00.002-05:00

well, my youngest sister-in-law will be joining us for Christmas. Which means its entirely possible that I won't post from Sun. the 19th -New Years Eve.
Don't know if I like this poem, it's a bit rough. However, I haven't posted for a while. Christmas is a big deal to me. Christmas, to me, is God's intervention. God, painting Himself into His art, to redeem it. Jesus, God's "art restore-er". ...or Jesus, "Extreme Makeover: Human Edition". Anyway, here's a fairly new [if rough] poem.

Yahweh,
Thank you for sending Jesu here
For wanting me so much that you would create
& live
through the greatest story of love ever
and I am thankful
to you
for sending your most precious gem from Heaven
to save me
from myself

Jesu,
Thank you for coming here.
for leaving what I cannot even imagine
to come here
live,
love,
be with,
heal,
so many
you came to give
unending riches
to poor souls
to be
"a light in dark places,
when all other lights go out"
You are the opposite of us
you came to be
unselfish
to self consumed people [like me]
to pay the price for us
who cannot die a violent, suffering death
worthy of covering ourselves
you went through
verbal abuse
physical abuse
humiliating abuse
publicly
for our private sins
you who could tell people to die
and they would have
you kept silent
Jesu...
YOU are the greatest gift of all

Thank you for wanting me so much
for wanting to be with me
for wanting to have an active relationship with me
thank you for being
"the Real Superman"
for being a REAL man.
no one is more manly than you

Thank you for sending your gentle
yet massive Spirit
to live
in such a small slum
as my heart

...you loving/ changing me
talk about "rags to riches"...

only 15 days till we celebrate your birthday, Jesu

a room in time

2010-11-25T22:23:00.001-05:00

a "round two" if you will...

a room in time

get up early
take a drive to Rutter's
pick up the one newspaper a year
that sells out by lunchtime
2 copies please
one to leave @ home
one to take along
get back home
and settle in
eat, read The Book,
pray, stretch out,
sign the card for my blond
if I haven't done better at getting ahead
turn on Macy's annual parade
maybe write,
maybe do dishes
take down the decorations for
today's holiday
get out those Christmas records
-er, I mean "discs"
Start putting up the decorations
as a large vocal group ironically sings
"we need a little Christmas now"
think of 2 different friends
ministering to those who don't have
family
try
to get there by one.
cause that's when they'll gather 'round the table
dig into turkey, gravy, sweet potatoes, filling,
and several veggies
[cause we're all too picky to like the same ones]
afterwords
the "big" gals will sit with the black Fri. adds
planning their strategy
the "little" girls playing at our feet
we guys may saunter off to the TV
for a football game
-but not soccer-
or out the door for a quiet walk
knowing that the season for craziness
is close at hand
drive the interstate
back to our little home
my blond & me
exchange cards
loving glances
and speak of future plans
while making final decisions on Thanksgiving with
our other parents,
and looking forward to it
while this is not a "room" in a building
this is a room in time
named
Thanksgiving Day

by B.E. Noll

poem place

2010-11-24T23:52:00.004-05:00

L.L. Barkat wonderfully gives poem ideas that can be a fun launching place for a poem.
As I haven't been reading the blogs linked here a whole lot lately, I'm a little behind on this. Here goes anyway. Oh, & to keep with the thankfulness of this week, I'm thankful for all the blog links to the right of my posts...
[this is very rambling...]

A poem of here

So
I sit here
amid the piles of papers
whishing I had taken better care of things
wishing I was “done” with them
done with projects
wires & speakers
setting on the desk
that is too big for the room
the room
that seems too small for my plans
there seems to be no room in here for me
and I should love to fix this mess
another fine mess I’m in
yet it is here that I also
amid the piles of neglect
write thanks to Yahweh
for many of the reasons
this room is messy
friends that I spend time with
a cold wife
who loves to cuddle with her warm husband
the room is chaos
& I listen to a chaotic piano
from a metal band that isn’t “usual”
which reminds me how
not “usual” I, myself, am
my printer setting inches from where I’m typing
hibernating
a borrowed Bible
a borrowed poem book
borrowed classical music
a jump drive lying,
abandoned on the desk slightly in from of the speakers
Ironic
I’m listening to music
but not on them
on headphones
yet another spaghetti cord
slithering about this chaos
yet I am laughingly calm
which doesn’t even make sense
waiting to buy a newspaper that will be
lathered with sales papers
almost resembling something I don’t even eat
-a taco
the “normal paper” being the shell
and the meaty reason I buy it
spilling out onto my floor soon
Yet I am thankful still
for the truth that
even though things are messy here
barely room amid the mess to move my chair
I am moving forward
the messy piles
remnants of
an “old self”
dying too slowly
yet dying all the same
and getting help from
the me that is being born
in it’s place
all this running through my mind
as I sit in this space

by B.E. Noll

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

on Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

To the maker of all things

Thank you
for making sound
for turning some of it into music
for allowing us to sing & write
to you
thanks
for painting the skies
for long walks in the woods
for going with me on them
for beautiful views
for the way my woman walks
for the way she looks at me
and the way she feels
cuddled into me
thanks for the ability to walk
thanks for language
for my eyes
and much of what I get to see
for giving people
[some I know
& some I don't]
the ability to be creative
like you
thanks for light
thanks for night
thanks for food
thank you
that I can cook
[somewhat]
for saxophones
for drums
for bass
for the interesting & old
& odd instruments
that people like Kemper Crabb & Troy Donockley play
thank you for the roof over my head
& the fact it doesn't leak
thank you for those who sit with me
when my sadness leaks
out
for LW
for it's coffee bar
& all the cool folks
who have let their stuff
be displayed for me to see
for the safe haven
LW often seems to be
thanks for being
my safe fortress
for me to be me in
thanks that you are a rock
to build solidly on
& a warm comfort
to keep me
to relax me in
thanks for my family
they are more rare than precious gems
thanks for giving me nieces
to remind me of the joy
children can bring

you alone
know better than most
that I will be thanking you
for thousands of centuries
for all you have given to me
in this wisp
of breath called my life
Thank you for your grace
your unwavering, deeper than the cosmos love,
for your mercy
your faithfulness endures
truly,
there is none like you
and I'm thankful
for that too...

B. E. Noll

a song for many different occasions

2010-11-07T22:29:00.002-05:00

I'm listening to sound samples from a unique artist I like named Kemper Crabb. As I do I am reminded of an old tune he did with a progressive band he was in called Arkangel...

Dwelling Place
Words by Kemper Crabb
music by Arkangel
From the album Warrior

His
voice
is like
The breeze
off the mountain
That cools
the desert dweller
far below
When I am
confused
And I can’t see
my way
through
Jesus speaks to me & I know
I can see the way to go
Like
the sun
rising through
the trees
after a night
Of darkness & despair
Is a joy
that comes
from keeping still before him
My Lord & God
& hearing
the word of
the Lord
from the lips of
the living God

You are my dwelling place
My hiding place from the world[sung 2x's]

From the world [sung 2x's]

I think of this song when I go out on a photography hike. When the night seems longer than it should be, & when the first rays of hope shine after a dark time. I wrote a "fall poem" that I'll post soon.

Oh, & if you'd like to hear the unique sounds I just finished sampling: Kemper's new one is called Reliquarium. [Click on the title to hear samples]

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

Silence

2010-10-02T23:25:00.003-04:00

Well... here I am.
I don't know if I'm really good at being a friend.
The way I am on facebook is similar to my life. I can be very fun for a while...
& then I'm silent.
I'd say I'm sorry...feels like I say that a lot.
If your really sorry though... you actually change. Then people see that change...
and you're apology is believable.
Hopefully
my apology will become visible in the near future....

some reasons are:
I'm trying to get a grip on my life [or should I say, a better grip]
trying to live more openly/real toward God & Mick
trying to not put things off so much
trying to throw out stuff that just no longer has a purpose in my life
trying to be able to find what I bother to keep [& not trip over it!]

Silence

this
I am good at
like a jazz song
I suddenly flurry online
facebook,
blogs,
posting:
thoughts,
photos,
comments
all at once I'm really friendly
and then
here it comes again
I
am
silent
"is something wrong?"
"can he @ least say so
-or not so?"
I don't
I don't say
anything
I just
"cue crickets"
and I'm silent
I share for a while
then I get frustrated
and, yes, quiet
does it mean I've given up?
does it mean
I'm being mean?
well... not necessarily
it usually doesn't mean
I'm in a mean mood
I guess
sometimes
I'm just afraid
to share
afraid it'll come back
to haunt me
it did, after all,
but that was long ago
but not long
enough ago
I guess.

by B.E. Noll

take care, blessings
B

an update

2010-09-13T21:20:00.002-04:00

Hello all,

As my wife watches a show set in France [& I enjoy the English spoken w a French accent, & the French, which brings back memories] I'll try to update those of you not privy to my facebook page.

I didn't sleep well Thurs. or Fri. [as my previous post shows well]

The surgery went very well. They left a total of 4... "objects" in my nose.
Mick remembers things that I don't, about that day. Including me being very cold, which freaks her out. [I rarely wear a coat in a snowstorm, so this is a bit understandable] They told her it was normal when you wake up from anesthesia.
I actually went to LW on that following Sun. [I don't know why but at times like that it seems so much more worth it to go. The worship was so made for me, & I loved the visual worshipper set up these last 2 weeks. -aka "the video walls"]
Fri., I mostly watched movies. My personal collection of them. As I could not sleep I listened to Kemper Crabb - The Vigil, various Phil Keaggy solo guitar discs, Robert Fripp - Churchscapes: At the End of Time, & my collection of Iona music. I even put my Iona - Live in London DVD in for a while, & felt like my little living room became a temporary monestary/healing room. My sleep patterns began to slowly return as the days followed.
Last Wed. I went in to see my ENT Dr. He assures me that things look great. And He removed 2 of the 4 "foreign objects". I instantly felt 200% better. I could REALLY breathe!!! Better than I have in a very long time. Oct. 6th I will have the other 2 removed. I have an odd feeling since. Almost like being resurrected from some "pale form of myself". Last Fri. I went back to work. I think I'm doing well there, though I am not allowed to lift more than 14lbs. ...I had no idea just how light 14 lbs was! ugh... as some know too well, I am terrible at asking for help. Yet, things are going well. I feel like I have more energy. My stomach is slowly doing better. I am on an antibiotic, prednisone, taking acidophilus [& eating yogut -shhhh! don't tell anyone. It'll ruin my image!], & 2 allergy med.'s. Though the pain killers they gave, I only took 2 of, quite pleased there. I have had a couple of bad headaches Thurs. through Sat. They seem to be gone [& only took advil for those.] I'm glad to be so far ahead of where I was last time I had surgery. My head feels very clear.
Thanks for all the prayers. Well, I should go... lately, it seems, if I don't get off here [internet/computer] early enough I can't sleep.

May His grace drip from your fingers,
B

A Love Note to Yahweh

2010-09-04T02:14:00.002-04:00

...I cannot sleep long, right now... so I'll read & write.
[& thank God for Phil Keaggy, Kemper Crabb, Iona, Robert Fripp, Donald Miller, & Eugene Peterson -to name a few]

Yahweh

How do I write of You?
YOU…
Are solitude
all the beauty of solitude, anyway
Yahweh
even your name is soothing
in solitude
with you
I feel a brief inkling
Of how massive you are
How immeasurably huge you must be
Yet… how, oh Great & Mighty one,
Do I describe
“all the things you are” to me?

…more like all the ways you are toward me…

You,
oh Lord,
You are a blanket…
The size of a large city

You,
Oh Lord,
Are an island I can live on
An island that would take a thousand eternities to cross

You,
Oh Holy Spirit,
Are a breeze to calm my anxious soul
Speaking to the Architect of my soul
In a secret language no one else knows

You,
Oh loving Jesu,
You are…
The Master Physician’s Rx for my soul
You have healed the rift & become a “bridge across forever”
I stand in awe
-no
I am laid low
Unable to speak, stand or move

For you, oh Jesu,
You choose to heal my wounds…
& keep your own
Jesu, you died to shout
In actions
“I love you”
“I choose you”
And then you rose
Walked into my life & said:
“do you love me, too?
do you
Choose me?”

…yes
A billion times over
Yes

B.E. Noll

...thanks to all who are praying for me...your prayers are very much felt, & appreciated! I am recovering well, no pain so far, & feeling surrounded by a temple [or tent?] of prayers which feels very wonderful...
If any of you go to any of the arts shows here this weekend, -& can easily do so- post pictures so I can vicariously go with? Thanks
B

probably the last till after surgery...

2010-08-30T21:11:00.004-04:00

Well, this week is NUTS! today, got my head x-ray. Tomorrow a meeting, Wed. another game [Revolution]. Thurs. prep for surgery on Fri. All I know about Fri. is 2 things, I will have surgery, my nose will be stuffed up, & I'll probably sleep a lot. [ok, 3 things]

so... I'm a little nervous doing this, but this is my facebook photo:
Brian Noll
I'm not sure when & where I'll post, but I'll probably start there. I'll be surprised if I say anything before Sat. I'll try to friend any who ask...
also you can leave comments here.

Music is often my friend, my blanket, a pile of fallen leaves to hide in...

Walk on
[...& love
is not
the easy thing
the only baggage
you can bring
is all that you can't
leave behind...]

Stuck in a moment you can't get out of
[...& if
your
way should
falter
along this
stony path
it's just a moment
this time
will pass...]

Have a great week, & holiday weekend.
B

for L.L. [Solace pt. 1]

2010-08-24T22:53:00.000-04:00

The Solace of Nature [the organic temple of Yahweh]

it never takes long
to get caught up in You
this impromptu
stroll
into Your
organic living room
the curtains
made of trees
fallen leaves,
roots,
rocks,
dirt
the carpet & tile floors
of our hangout room
whether I'm aching
flaking,
breaking,
or escaping
I can come to your place
& spend some time
time out of time
I count down the days
till I can be with you
among the trees,
rocks,
and your whispering breezes.
I don't always need You to speak
I just always need to feel
You with me
by choice
don't know why You choose me
but I'm oh so glad
that you do
Thank You for special
moments
moments of awe
moments of swept away-ness
swept away by Your presence
...& all the while You unfold a new moving art display
in the sky
the tent
of Your Organic Temple

briefly...

2010-08-24T22:11:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking of doing this for a while now. So I just "up & did it". My health, thoughts, & other variations will now be on the blog "organic by design". I have updated my surgery dates on there, as they have changed.

[untitled]

2010-08-04T22:56:00.001-04:00

I haven't posted a poem for a while... & I'm contemplating some things...

a puzzle, an awakening

It was hard
to awaken the real me
when the ghosts had been running a muck for years
slowly
I became aware
of all that lie beneath
fractals
shards
I felt like
broken glass
like I was grafting
“frankenstiening”
things about a crowd of people
I thought I met once
I kept thinking
I liked
the pieces
would I
could I
like them assembled?
could they
would they
end up
as me?
then
who, exactly
would I be?
Am I making me?
or…
am I
awakening
to the me
I was born to be?

by
B.E. Noll

I know I said...

2010-08-02T21:35:00.003-04:00

I know I said I was taking a break. I still won’t be “regularly blogging” for a while [Aug. – Nov.]
I hate to leave things the way I did for too long. My blog doesn’t need to be negative, you can find that elsewhere. Though, if I may say so, it’s not always fun being different from everyone else. –or, at least feeling different. It’s nice to have a few people who can stand you –as is. Anyone can look good for a picture. But life is much more of a hiking trail, than a photo shoot. [perhaps more on this later]

2 things…
#1. I am having sinus surgery again. To finish fixing my septum. It would fall under “minimally invasive surgery”. As they will probably not need to make an incision. [i.e. cut me] They will go –ah, this may be the “queasy part” so if that’s “not you thing” skip to #2. I have people who like the details… this…is for you. They will go up my nasal opening to fix my deviated septum. They did this last time. They need to fix a part up closer to the bridge of my nose this time. The part they fixed previously is doing wonderfully. So the hope of my ENT & myself is this will be the last one. [ever? -!!!] I am not “showing symptoms”. [which were: dizziness, extreme headaches, generally lousy] This is good news. However, if I don’t get the surgery now…I’ll just have to get it done later. So let’s put procrastination off till tomorrow, shall we? Thus, Sept. 10^th [a Fri. –the one after Labor Day] I will have this done. It will cause me to miss some days of work as I am not allowed to lift anything over 10 lbs. Rendering me basically useless @ work. So Mick & I are adjusting the vacation plans we had for next week, & I’m pondering how early in the week I’ll go to the cabin [@ the end of this month]. Should be out about 7 days [I think it was 2 weeks last time out.] sigh.

#2. Onto cheerier stuff. Mick & I were invited to a wonderful wedding last Fri. [Thanks Lauren & Jed, & congrats!] Loved the ceremony, & what the Pastor [& father of the groom] spoke about. The symbolism used. And was reminded of the last song sung before my own wedding began. Since my surgery will be around the same time I thought I’d put this up early. Love the song, still mean every word…

Thigpen's Wedding
by Kemper Crabb

Here I set
my face unto you
Here I speak
my heart's true vow
Here I choose
to walk beside you
Loving only you,
my heart speaks true
Forevermore from now.

I will love you in the dawning
And in the bright noonday
I will love you in the even
Everyday I live,
my heart I'll give
I'll love you from my grave.

I have heard God
in your laughter
I have seen Him
on your face
And it's clear now what He's after
For He wrote
your name
on my heart
in flame
It's a wound I'll not erase.

We will rise
on wings of morning
We will fly
before the wind
We will dwell within the mysteries
And the glories of
Jehovah's love
A circle with no end.

We will pitch our tents toward Zion
In the shadow of His love.
We will covenant between us
We will covenant
with the earth below
And with heaven
up above
We will covenant
with the dust below
And the Spirit
up above.

May his grace drip from your fingers,
B

2010-07-22T20:45:00.003-04:00

Hi,
I think I'm going to take a lengthy time off. I have a lot to think about. I need to understand where I'm heading. I'm also not getting very positive feedback recently. So, for now, I'll be signing off...

an "ode" to Mom

2010-06-24T20:45:00.003-04:00

Last night I spoke about my Dad to my Growth Group [they asked each one to share about their Dad]. to quote "Weird Al" "awe man, I hate it when I'm right"
I began with: "No matter what I say, or how many hours I talk, I'll be leaving so much out..."
This is true of both of my Dads. [my Earthly one, & my Heavenly One] I don't talk much about either of my parents, because I know that some of you never knew your parents... & some of you, sadly, wish you didn't. I'll try to talk about them both, on occasion. Hopefully this will not be hard for anyone. Tonight, to compliment last night, I will talk about just one part of my Mother. Something she gave to me, both in experiences, & DNA. Music. My love of piano, is totally my Mom's fault! I can remember her practicing for hours. "Mom, play the one that goes..." She plays Holy, Holy, Holy where she changes the mood for each verse, it's so cool. Somber for the crucifixion, the triumphant rising & returning for us [I can almost hear her playing it now].
I'm trying to work up the nerve to write a poem a day for 100 days. So...

When did we first meet?
when did I first
lay ears on you?
when did you float on the air toward me?
I just don’t remember
I know it was long ago
crawling on the floor
under the grand piano
at someone’s house
mother playing favorites
pop, classical memories
as her fingers waltzed across the ivories
Hymns, Themes to shows
later she would “accompany me”
during my guitar practices
below her
in the basement
I guess
thanks to Mom
I will always enjoy music
I will always have a soft spot in my heart
for the piano
it doesn’t matter
who I’m listening to
Rick Wakeman
Neal Morse or
Chick Corea
a cousin,
or even a stranger in a mall
even the smell of a piano
brings back memories
so many memories
thanks Mom

by B.E. Noll

As for the smell of pianos. My Grandfather [Mom's Dad] tuned pianos for years, by ear...

this is based on a conversation I had just this evening...

2010-06-22T22:53:00.000-04:00

Why I don’t Love You

Why don’t I love you?
…let me explain the ways
I don’t love you for your hair
you may lose it
or choose to give it up
[“take it all off”]
I don’t love you for your smile
your brain may one day forget how to make one
I don’t love you for your physique
[though it is quite unique]
because it may “go down”
before the sun does
perhaps even on this very day
your eyes though they may twinkle
over some favorite doughnut [sprinkle?]
I don’t love you for them
[they only see part of me,
as mine only see part of you]
No
these are the ways I do not love you
if I care for you
it’s not really much based
on what my eyes “behold”
for that is just what your soul wears
“soul clothes”
you might say
…but it’s the thin part of you
it’s not the meat
it’s not the best part
the best part is
talking
“hanging”
how you express yourself
how you are ok
with me expressing myself
you don’t need to like everything I like
or like it as much as me
even if we both
write poetry
you will be you
and I
me
real friends let you
just be
and freely enjoy

ENCOUNTER [with drums... an a challenge]

2010-06-18T22:29:00.004-04:00

I just got home from ENCOUNTER. WOW. I loved the drums! Encounter is an evening of worship at LW. I listened to my King Crimson "Double Drums" concert this week in anticipation. The evening went way beyond what I expected. As tonight drew near I was flooded with some interesting thoughts. I have been enjoying praise music, as well as "music for Him", or... I might call it "music for US". On the way home I couldn't help sing along to Magnificent by U2. "...I was born, I was born, to sing for you. I didn't have a choice, but to lift you up, & sing whatever song, you wanted me to. I give you back my voice. From the womb... Justified, till we die, you & I will magnify, oh The Magnificent..." I've been reading some of my favorite Psalms...[from The Message]

Psalm 8

A David Psalm

God, brilliant Lord, yours is a household name.
Nursing infants gurgle choruses about you;
toddlers shout the songs
That drown out enemy talk,
and silence atheist babble.

I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous,
your handmade sky-jewelry,
Moon and stars mounted in their settings.
Then I look at my micro-self and wonder,
Why do you bother with us?
Why take a second look our way?

Yet we've so narrowly missed being gods,
bright with Eden's dawn light.
You put us in charge of your handcrafted world,
repeated to us your Genesis-charge,
Made us lords of sheep and cattle,
even animals out in the wild,
Birds flying and fish swimming,
whales singing in the ocean deeps.

God, brilliant Lord,
your name echoes around the world.

[this is just one, 2 others are Psalm 4, & Psalm 98 -which is where a playlist I have "98 to infinity" gets it's name]

Anyway, The drummers came out, some from the back of the auditorium. They played buckets. I've seen it done... just not in church! I loved that 3 of our worship team spoke. [Chris, Connie, & Gordon] I may post of things they spoke about, very wonderful. However this post is getting long. LW's art gallery had it's opening tonight as well. I loved the paintings. Bright almost neon colors in some. The textures of others. ...and a challenge. The artist, Melody Hogan, was challenged to paint, a new painting, everyday, for 100 days. ...wow, so I had to ask: "was it hard?" [duh] She said it was very hard. She had friends encourage her to keep pressing on, to push through to the end... I may try this. Not with painting! No I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm thinking of it from perhaps a blog or poem standpoint. [mostly I feel a prompt to write poems] 100 days -in a row! ...I'm thinking about it. I'm praying about it. I'll let you know [probably whether I like telling you or not, huh? -since you'll pick up on my choice here]
I'm going to post some songs that have been resonating this week on Blipfm. [oh, I'm on there as b'slandscapesofaudio which is "B's Landscapes of Audio"]
now... for something that's been going through my head all day... since I heard the U2 classic "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" on the radio earlier.........

Uncovered
by the call

You surround me
covered
you seduce
my soul
all my fears
uncovered
as my life
unfolds
in the warmth
of your heart
you awake my senses
I was torn
in doubt
loosing all defenses
when you called
me out
i return
to the heart
of a love
eternal
waiting there
for me

"...Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky was so far away
Sometimes it seemed to stoop so close
You could touch it but your heart would break
Sometimes the morning came too soon
Sometimes the day could be so hot
There was so much work left to do
But so much You'd already done..."
-sometimes by step by Rich Mullins from The World as Best as I can remember it vol. 2.
if there is nothing new under the sun, then this is the world as best as I can remember it...

the end of the night, when the drummers came back out for sometimes by step, reminded me of a story of a friend seeing Mullins perform "I see You" as the concert ending song. The crowd was so into it that: as the musicians, one by one, left the stage, they kept singing. Then Mullins left, & they kept right on singing that song...out of the auditorium, while picking up their coats... you didn't stop hearing the chorus -even in the parking lot, until you closed your car door... cool,huh.
oh... & the playing buckets, I saw [& met, actually] Rich Mullins play "Screen door" on those old Moose cups from Hardee's, in a similar fashion. makes me think of another Mullins tune... "...& you never know who God is gonna use, a princess or a baby, or maybe even you, & me..."

"...like a desert needs rain, like a town needs a name, I need Your love...
like coming home, & you don't know where you've been, like black coffee, like nicotine, I need Your love..."

[to the tune of "I still haven't found what I'm looking for"...]
....and you're still
what I find
I was looking for
more beautiful
than what I put there
in your place before...

...thank you oh God, for drums... & for the people who play them...
thank you oh God, for songs
...& for the people who write & play them...
thank you oh God,
for being You,
& loving me....
I could write a million poems,
& I'd only be getting started
on how wonderful You are.......

a poem for now...

2010-06-09T23:04:00.003-04:00

I mentioned on facebook, that I would write a post on Anthropomorphism. All I can say is I'm working on it. Till then I thought I'd post a poem, since it's been way too long since I have put one up here...

What no one wants
[what everyone needs]

No one
wants to be
the leftover
No one wants the world to know
that they want
to be wanted
no one wants the world to know
that they’ve ever been
“unwantable”
we need to have someone tell us
show us
that we have value
truth is
every time we feel
unvalued
is an eternity
from blogs
to twitter
to facebook
to flickr
to what-ever-is-next
we need people to tell us
that we don’t just take up
space on this planet
I hear it online
on TV
in poems
in stories
in songs
for some that I’ve met,
“hung with”,
had deep conversations with,
the story
is indeed
in your eyes
but the story doesn’t have to be over
it certainly doesn’t have to end there
in the loneliness

it’s a big thing to ask
but my hope
in blogging
writing,
sharing,
photos,
stories,
or whatever else
is that
you don’t feel so alone
or quite so broken
mostly that even if you feel these things
from time to time
that you are not the only one
-like me-
you just think you are sometimes
[& you’re not as alone as you think…]
by B. E. Noll

I don't know if this fits, but I like this song...
If Everyone cared.

To add to the text from the video:
Jamie Tworkowski wanted to keep in touch with & encourage a girl who was addicted to pills, alcohol, & self injury. He wrote her story, & used the title for a myspace page.
not only did she keep in touch... others sent messages thanking him for bringing this into the light.
To Write Love on Her Arms is now a world wide movement. To raise awareness for self injury, depression, & suicide.
...oh, Renee Yohe [the girl] has been sober for about 3 years.

Person under construction...

2010-05-10T20:44:00.003-04:00

well, there I go again, it's been a while since I posted. the above photos are also from my hike @ Ricketts Glen. I'm going through ...just about everything I possibly can. I finally took my inbox from 1300+ emails down to around 780 some. My eyes are tired. My Extra bed room [where I am when I'm online], is pretty clean. You can see the whole floor! ...guess I should confess, I'm a bit of a hoarder. My neighborhood is having a yard sale on Sat. So that will be my morning [sadly, no walk!] I'm cleaning off a rather large desk I'm going to get rid of [meaning less surface area to "just throw things on"] & "collecting contributions" for my yard sale. Or, as I emailed my Mom: "getting things ready to be 'permanently lent out". This means a considerable amount of time in my basement. I'm trying to create a space for exercise/relaxation/creativity. We'll see how that goes. My poor friends [especially Joe & Donnie] have heard me say "I'm going to do this this year" for... 5 - 10 years now -ouch! And 2 of my in-laws have been patiently waiting to help me "fix up" said basement for almost as long. I'm beginning to feel like the title of a Phish tune [the In-law Josie Wales].
Well, I should go. I'll try to post some more poems soon again...

Yesterday was restful...

2010-04-27T22:55:00.000-04:00

I wrote this on my walk yesterday...

I walked with God today

We walk along
the rain dampened path
water bubbling on tiny ponds
dropping
bending leaves
turning the leaves into symbols
trees, logs, & dirt
acting as congas
of all sizes
a symphony without end
as we walk
I talk
on & on
over & over
some of the same thoughts
using different words
trying to get you to spend time with me
not feeling you very strongly
until…
I finally run out of things to say
suddenly
I feel you
rush over me
all is right in the universe
time seems to “run aground”
we walk
silently together
through you landscape painting/ sculpture
I don’t want it to end
…and one day
it won’t

a restful Sat.

2010-04-20T22:54:00.003-04:00

Sat. a group of us went to Ricketts Glen. I took 500+ pictures. These are just three of them. I need to take time & put some poems up. It is poetry month after all. I've been busy. ...not to mention distracted. So this'll have to do for now...

a whim...

2010-04-08T22:21:00.002-04:00

This Sun. LW will begin a series on identity called: "Who am I?".
I couldn't resist writing about it this way. I've written several versions of this...

Who am I?

a favorite color?
A favorite food?

A favorite band
when I’m in the mood?

A job?
a pension?
a person
who gives off tension?

a friend?
someone who’ll be there
till the end?

a villain?
Is that what you need?
[why pick me?
I’d rather not
“do that deed”]

What makes me
me?
does anyone
really see
the me
inside?
are they not looking?
am I not willing
to reveal
all the colors
that make up me?
am I afraid
for you to see
what’s really
inside of me?

untitled

2010-04-05T23:17:00.000-04:00

Well... yesterday I spent the day with family. I want to write something grand & inpiring... Yet the words all ran away. So I'll leave you with a song & a poem...
Not the greatest Easter post you'll ever read...

Dwelling Place
by Kemper Crabb

His voice
is like
the breeze
off the mountain
that cools
the desert dweller
far below
and when I am
confused
and I can’t see my way through
Jesus speaks to me & I know
I can see the way to go
like the sun
rising through the trees
after a night
of darkness & despair
is a joy that comes
from keeping still before him
my Lord & God
and hearing
the word of the Lord
from the lips of
the living God

you
are
my
dwelling place
my hiding place
from the world

I Pick You
Good Friday
Easter
You picked me
you could have saved anything
anything you wanted
anything you created
you
chose
me
not eggs
not bunnies
not chocolate

you knew
that I just wanted
to be validated
someone to
“pick me”

you hung on the cross
and you said
“I love you…
is this loud enough?
I pick you”
then
on Easter
you walk out of the grave
[I guess if your gonna make all things new
death is as good a place as any
to start]
you walk out
cut hope loose
to run in the streets
then you turn to me
and ask:
“I picked you…
do you
pick
me?"

Beautiful Scandalous Night

2010-04-02T22:36:00.002-04:00

I wanted to have a wonderful post for tonight. ...but what do I say? ...so I'll leave you with "my old standby" which would be more song lyrics, of course.

Beautiful Scandalous Night [from At the Foot of the Cross]
Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified
Follow Christ to the holy mountain
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
Cleanse your heart and your soul
In the fountain that flows
For you and for me and for all

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

On the hillside, you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that pours
From our blessed Savior's side

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night
On that beautiful, scandalous night

Realization
by Kemper Crabb

father Adam
don't you see what you have done?
you have given all your children
to the fire & to the ruin
and we're needing
and we're bleeding
and it's a hard fate
that's befallen our race
cold wind from Eden
blows across my face
and I'm yearning
to be back in the garden
back in the garden
again

Second Adam
now I see what you have done
through your dieing
through your rising
you've restored the fallen sons
for your giving
we are living
and though
I know you bruised your heel
when you crushed the serpent's head
still you pulled the fangs out of our hearts
giving spirit life instead
for your giving
we are living
your returning me
back to the garden
back to the garden
back to the garden,
again

of late I'm realizing
that the garden I'm desiring
is
you

Someone said to me, the other day, "why do we celebrate the death of Jesus?"
Good Friday. A man who was [his words] "an Agnostic flirting with Atheism". Said to me "know what this is?" stretched his arms out... "ah, no." "a [crappy] way to spend a Friday."
Lots of people wear crosses. Tattoos, piercings, rings, necklaces. Jesus, on a hill long ago, took a symbol of torture... & made it a symbol of hope, a symbol of forgiveness. The cross is God's price tag on you. That's how bad God wants to spend time with you. Like Linda on her blog said she saw in a second hand shop: "as found". God wants us so bad, he died to get us. The only real sad thing left to this story now is this: the only way I can't have God... is if I say I don't want him. The cross is him telling me how much he wants me. To borrow from a commercial: yeah, you're that important.
Celebrate may be the wrong word for today. I reflect... I stand, set, lie down on the floor... & just think: "this is the craziest, illogical, outlandish, most beautiful plan I have ever heard of in my life."
I've written it in so many ways...
The one man, who didn't do anything wrong... died for all the men, women, & children -who will never get it right. [at least, not on their own anyway]
Jesus died on a cross... to save the people ...who nailed him there.

God sent Moses, to deliver his people from Pharaoh,
Joshua, to help his people take the promised land,
...when it came to sin... God didn't "farm this out to a third party",
he did it himself. He didn't send someone... he came.

I cannot imagine how dark & long this night must have been to those who were there. I cannot imagine how this day played out in heaven. The darkest, most aching day of history. Or the next 2 days, really. It's not what the world does to you, it's what you allow God to do next, that counts.
When I think of my own life. I think of this day for Jesus. Jesus has been through it all. Shame, nakedness, abuse, abandonment, mocked, wrongfully accused... alone. So when I say no one understands... Jesus says, "I do". This way Jesus can enter whatever hell you & I find ourselves in.

...I think I'll stop for now. Easter is coming....

prayers in song

2010-03-30T22:12:00.002-04:00

music/prayers to YAHWEH
I Need You by America [I'm lifting these lines from a cover version by TransAtlantic]
"...I need you
like the flower
needs the rain
you know
I need you
guess I'll
start it all again
you know
I need you,
I need you
like the winter
needs the spring
guess I'll
start it all again
you know
I need you,
I need you,
I need you..."

I first heard this on Iona's live disc: Heaven's Bright Sun. Joann Hogg's voice unaccompanied as she sings. Haunting, beautiful...

I Will Give My Love An Apple
I will give my love an apple
without any core
I will give my love a house
without any door
I will give my love a palace
wherein he may be
And he may unlock it
without any key

My head is the apple
without any core
My mind is the house
without any door
My heart is the palace
wherein he may be
And he may unlock it
without any key

Reflections on a hill...

2010-03-30T00:10:00.004-04:00

I've pulled an old disc back out & have really been swept away with it right now. This is the first track off of At the Foot of the Cross.

Clouds, Rain, Fire

The dust of
Your feet
Clouds are
the dust of Your feet
You cover light
with clouds

The water from Your side
Rain is the water from Your side
You
wash me white
with rain

The chariot You ride
Fire is the chariot
You ride
You slay the night
with fire

this week, holy week, we pause & reflect on what is, essentially, the good news of "life isn't fair". I've heard, let's face it, I've said: "it's not fair". ...if life wasn't fair to it's author... what do you seriously think your odds are?
...then again... if life were fair, we should all be going to hell, at the same time, by ourselves. Maybe life not being fair...is a good thing?

The longest week of the year...
this week holds it all
this week hope will
seem to bleed out
hope will appear to breathe it's last...
yet hope...
will gain
hands & feet
the words:
"behold I make all things new"
become alive
no longer a promise
a promise fulfilled
this week we look
to a blood stained hill
to a man whose death
changes death...itself.
a man killed by those he came to save
another paradox unfolds
for killing this man
saves the murderers
who killed him
[& all us sinful fools who've come after]

this week
is the epitome of "unfair"
the one
and only one
who can truly say
what I have foolishly said too often:
"it's not my fault"
"I didn't do anything wrong"
"why do I have to pay?"
he
and I
both know
why he had to pay
...because I
can't.

B.E. Noll

Reflection [room 8]

2010-03-24T23:47:00.002-04:00

…now we come to the end. A room to reflect in. I could give several blog posts, & not even scratch the surface of my own reflections from just this one. However I won’t.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I hope it draws you closer to Him.
There are good books on Lent here [Thanks Byron]

A Time to Speak [room 7]

2010-03-24T22:54:00.001-04:00

I have trouble with this. Part of the “origin” of this blog is my need to speak. Speaking is very difficult for many. I think long & hard about what I say [the meaning /emotions behind what I say]. Steve Taylor wrote an arresting lyric, when he wrote: “…& my mind is like a wet stone now, sharpening things to throw…” Sometimes our words can be just as lethal as our hands. I like to be silent, so I can hear others speak. Yet, as I wrote & reflected on this room, I came to a few thoughts. My silence could also mean I kept something from another person. Someone could have been encouraged. Someone could have felt less like “the only one who feels a certain way”. A new idea, or direction could have been born/taken… alas, we were silent… when we should have spoken.

A time to tear [room 6]

2010-03-23T22:36:00.002-04:00

I didn’t want anyone’s writing to be distracting. So there is only one picture here that shows what’s on the leaves. You pick up a leaf, a sharpie marker, & write down… something to let go of. …this, of course, is the easy part. It’s actually letting go, that’s hard. To walk up to God, put it at His feet, then rise… & slowly turn & walk away. Never picking it up again. In the youth ministry I was in, our leader used a songbook as an illustration of how we typically give something to God. [tossing the book up toward the ceiling] “ok God, here take this from me… [the book slowly starts to fall back toward him] …now wait, um, can I have that back, God? [catching the book again] …thanks.” I’m sure you’re not like that… me, uh, well, I gotta run… [perhaps another leaf…]

A Time to Laugh [room 5]

2010-03-22T22:22:00.004-04:00

This room is set up to reflect summer. And right now it’s spring outside. Things are growing… returning to life. New life is emerging. The sun is visible for a larger portion of the day. People are out walking, playing, running, embracing the warmer temperatures.

I didn’t take many pictures of this room. As I went through, I must admit, I was jealous of those who were in this phase of life. It felt like it had been winter in my whole being for a long time. I think my love for sunsets & skies was partly a feeling of having “been on the ground for too long”. Like I weighed so much that I couldn’t even jump. It was as if there was no way to get air under my feet, even for a second.

While I still have moments, even some days where I slip backward. I do feel like a "new sun is rising" for me. And I cannot wait to see what this "brand new day" will bring...

A time to mend [room 4]

2010-03-16T22:59:00.003-04:00

I like the “mosaic of broken pottery” flower. This flower growing out of broken pottery… a visual of a remade life, blooming. Blooming where once there was ruble. Mending can be a slow process. It takes time. As I look at it, I see my life, I see the church. Carefully put back together. Built into something better than what got broken in the first place. Something dead, stale, turned organic. Growing toward it's maker/ healer/ restorer.

A time to weep [room 3]

2010-03-15T21:19:00.003-04:00

The different pictures spoke different stories to me. The 2 larger photos of women made me think of a girl I know who is even still struggling. Things are a bit better for her, but she’s far from “out of the tunnel”. So I love her as she is, & pray… sometimes till I can’t get off the floor.

This one conjures up thoughts of community. Thoughts of Jesus & others. Who are there to sit in the ruble, when nothing can really be done. Rejoice, when a struggle is over. Or just celebrate the ability to get together. [especially after being apart for a while]

In times of sorrow, at least in my experience, are times when God seems near. If I were a painter, I’d paint a picture of me hugging him & crying on his shoulder, with tears running down his face too. [I'm not, so I’ll stick with words] We seem to sit wordlessly, together. Like we are in solidarity. Oddly, we are paired. Him knowing all the answers in vivid detail [why, for how long, what’s the point, when will this end, will I make it though, will I have to go through something similar because I won’t quite get it this time, etc.], & me wanting the answers…& afraid he might give them to me. Afraid of the answers, because maybe having the answers won’t make me feel any better…at all.

A Time to be Silent [room 2]

2010-03-11T21:40:00.001-05:00