Attempts a fractals

So on my "other blog" I put some fractals [by other people].
So I ended up finding this program on making fractals.
So here are mine...
lets call this one "the golden splinter"I don't know why the word splinter comes to mind. Other than the fact that I have this idea in my head for a drawing from a moment in last years Labyrinth. The "working title" of which is "Splinters of Light". [problem is, I haven't tried to draw in years. ...ok, I mean other than the stuff I do on envelopes for b-day/ Anniversary -mine is a week from today/ Christmas/ etc...
maybe I'll get daring & post a few of my sketches from one of my journals -don't hold your breath]

this I'll call crimson thread...

The next one is the best by far... [& my last for now, I do have some "grown up" things to do.]

Let's try posting ...here

Ok, this is a "bum post". I have to try to get my posting option back.
[for those "just tuning in" I've changed to cable modem -for internet]
Now I am temporarily unable to post to my photo blog...
lets see if this works [it's my "parent" blog]

here goes...

Unplanned Beauty

My weekend was very restful. Any prolonged time in the woods, in nature, is a "recharging" of my batteries/ a personal "entrance into a holy place"/ a time of ideas being born/ an "untying of the knots" in my life. The picture at the top there is an unplanned... "beautiful accident". I had a shot in "my sights" -& the log fell apart. Disintegrating into this. I'm guessing its the "winding of the embers" that were given off to float away into the night sky. Taking flight, in some random, beauty that only God knew was going to happen. I'm so excited that I caught this, it's my desktop [for now]. Replacing a P.J. Crook painting. Below is another sort of neat "oddity". They evoke a sort of King Crimson vibe, to me. [click on them for a larger view]
I'll try to do a virtual tour of the place later. [yeah, I still haven't done the door pics yet...]
I took pictures, laughed, wrote, remembered previous trips.... was challenged to answer a question I was asked [Sat was a very ...indescribable day/night. So much happened. Beautifully frightening]. I still have no answer... or I'm afraid of the answer.
I finally had the courage, Sat., to "wander off" down at the bridge [pictured in the previous post].
I've been "back there" before. [with varying numbers of my -then- 20 cousins].
Sat. I entered... & Jesus "showed up". No, no splitting of the sky/ hallelujah chorus "stuff". but I just felt Him. [Very "The Difference (in the garden of St. Ann's on the hill)" by King's X, from Gretchen Goes to Nebraska]. I wrote ...for quite a while.
Afterward, I got back late [I so despise being late], So I sneak into the Bible study "already in progress". Little did I know how a small comment I made [a picture from my own darkness] would "rumble around" inside someone there. We were talking about different things, struggles, feeling trapped. And I, awkwardly, opened my mouth & said something like: "...the worst part about our prisons... is, usually, they are locked from the inside." [this kind of gives a peek at the symbolic-ness of "the doors" I spoke of]. My dad came to me, after dark, I have to say I was a bit dizzy at the time. He asks me if I can "come with him for a moment". I've known him too long not to have an inkling of what he might be asking for. [no pun intended] I end up sharing a poem I wrote with this person. As well as where the prison cell reference came from. Truth is, we really aren't alone in there. God is there, even though I didn't always feel Him there. Hand open... with this "can I have them please?" look on His face ["them" being the keys]. I once shared my favorite Pink Floyd song with a friend. He had asked what I use to try to get out of my darker feelings. I have a playlist called hope. I don't own the Floyd song, so it isn't on there. As I told him, it's my favorite Pink Floyd song, but it's on my least favorite Pink Floyd album: The Wall. The very last "song" is called "Outside the Wall"...

Outside the Wall (Waters) 1:42
All alone, or in two's, The ones who really love you Walk up and down outside the wall. Some hand in hand And some gathered together in bands. The bleeding hearts and artists Make their stand. And when they've given you their all Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

So, I'm standing there mentally trying not to say too much about myself... yet to speak into this man's darkness... desperately hoping that God can use the words of a broken soul to build a life raft of hope for someone I don't know very well. I must go for now...
but I'll leave with another song that's currently playing on my earphones [same playlist].
[from Courage by Superchick]
"...There are days when i'm ok
And for a moment,
for a moment
i find hope
But there are days when i'm not ok
And i need your help
So i'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Somedays i'm still fighting
to walk
towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be ok
Together we can make it
through another day

You should know
you're not on your own
These secrets are walls
that
keep us
alone
I don't know when
but i know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)..."

Jesus, As I've said to You before, thank You for those You've made & shared with me. My friends are such a gift. [The most important gifts You've given me... only You could make].

Thanks again for all of them. For allowing me to know them. For their help, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose, always appreciated. They are, for me, the physical manifestation of Your hands & feet. Some have sat & listened... to "complete darkness". Ached with me, even cried for me... knowing I can't always do that. They are You're "floatation devices". They've helped me not to drown [even when I sometimes want to].

So... I reach out, through cyberspace, & I pray that -maybe You will help him write his way out of his "self made trap". All of us down here need You, Jesus. Mere words [of any & all languages] cannot speak to our need for You. They hint, they beg, to try to describe the ache that only You can fill. The spot too big for anyone or thing... but You. Thank You, that you never get too tired, sick, or bored of rescuing us. ...even though I've been tired of needing it for decades. I'm still glad You do it.

craziness

...shear craziness. My life is in a million directions at once. To some extent, no wonder I'm feeling dizzy at times. I think they might be from stress, & breaking my normal rhythm. As these are times when I either get them, or they become more severe. Thankfully, I spent very little time on the floor this time. Anyway, 2 days till I go to my uncle's cabin...
This is what you see when you turn off from "the main drag":


Even looking at this picture is peaceful... & full of memories. This cabin has been in the family since I was around 12. You go all the way down, cross the one lane bridge, back up the other side & you see this sign:


it's right at the end of the driveway. One of many trees "the brothers" have cut down up there. [my dad is one of eight]
My sister-in-law is back home [her parents house]. A layover, of sorts, before she settles in above the square in Red Lion for a few years. So I have more "free reign" of my house again. I really hate that I’m like this, but… I am a complete freak about personal space. You will NEVER find a person with more of a personal space issue than myself –I promise. I’m still amazed that I actually let my wife’s sisters even stay at my house [& I haven’t let them “all at once”, of course]. I also haven’t written much since Thurs. Because I don’t really “get creative” when I have… “witnesses”. I can’t believe I actually let myself take pictures with deAnn & John standing anywhere in my line of sight. I don’t write with others watching [well, I guess, if you count at church, maybe I do… but they sure aren’t looking at me when I’m doing it, & probably think I’m just taking notes.] …I guess I see others as creative, as “special”, I see people as “The Sculptures of God”… everyone, that is… but me. …though, that is slowly becoming just a sad [& old] mantra. One day, feeling the “inner critique” voice saying that previous sentence to me again, I [kind of angrily] wrote this:

But Me
I am so sick & tired of
“but me”
Round & round it goes
And no one knows
How often I say
The world is a masterpiece
The whole world
All of it
…but me
The whole world is beautiful
A work of divine art
…but me
So many beautiful people
That are so fascinating
They are gifted
They are amazing to watch
They are priceless
All of them, that is
…but me
They were supposed to be made
…but not me
Treasured
Loved by their maker
Created for wonderful tasks
Some to create beautiful paintings
Some to write such wonderful prose
Others to sing
What is in so many of our hearts
To sing
what so many of us can’t find the words to say
I see such beauty in people
…other people
…but not me

So why am I
Never very far away from such beauty
…but always feeling like I’m not part of it?
A small group of friends
Yet if they knew this was how I saw me
They would cry.
Bono once sang
“what happened to the beauty I had,
Inside of me?”
What indeed?
Did it get bored & leave?
Why do I feel, Lord....
Like you made everyone
…but me?
Why do I feel like everyone is special
…but me?
Why is it
That everyone thinks I’m something
…but me?
Why is it that everyone can stand me
…but me?
Does no one feel like this
…but me?
NO
Everyone feels inadequate
…not just me
But it’s so much easier to say
there’s nothing wrong with the world
…but me…

When the truth is:
No one can change the way I feel about myself
No matter how much they love me
No matter how often they say or show it
No matter how loud they are
In word or deed
No one can change
the way I feel about me
no one…
of course,
…but me
[…so help me do that God…because it’s really hard]

Well, I'll pay for being up this late "as it is"... so I must sign off.

A long, yet beautiful week

[No, I did not take this pic. They have a strict "no photo" policy for fans. This is Tony Levin, our bassist for the evening. Playing a Chapman Stick]

Haven’t posted since my evening “In the Court of the Crimson King”. Well, I’ll try to keep this brief…

They were great. [the number of musicians often changes, as does the number of similar & different instruments used] This time out it was 2 drummers, Fripp’s enigmatic guitar [that sounds like nothing you’ve ever heard in your life], Adrian on vocals & guitar, & Tony Levin on Bass & Chapman stick [I would love to get my hands on a Chapman Stick, just for fun. To see what kinds of sounds I could coax out of one]. You do not listen to King Crimson… You open a door & step inside of it. To borrow from a band influenced by Crimson [namely Spock’s Beard] it was an evening [to these ears anyway] of stepping into “The Healing Colors of Sound”. There is no way they could play all of my favorite pieces, but they played quite a few. Everything sounded slightly different with Gavin Harrison as an “added” drummer. He was no “after thought” –that’s for sure. The band seemed to be enjoying themselves, & so was I. Several songs/rhythms pieces by both drummers, playing together, & off each other. It was fun to watch founding member Robert Fripp, set to one side of the stage, watching as intently as the audience these 2 wonderful & amazing drummers perform together. Their hands moving with the grace, speed, & accuracy of a humming bird in flight. Performing both light, even tribal drum parts & monstrous thundering sections –sometimes mere moments apart. Since they often sell their shows afterward, & I am eagerly watching for this show to go on sale. It was “that good”. Also, I got to hang with my friend Mark. It was good to catch up [even if we were late to the show]. As always Mark also had a surprise in the form of music he gave to me. [I’m enjoying “The Apocalypse inside of an Orange” by Omar A. Rodriguez-Lopez of The Mars Volta, & a sessions/ rehearsal disc from Crimson]

The funeral went well. Though being crammed into a basement with tons of people was very hard for me. I really hate not having an “easy exit”. And bumping into people or having people randomly touching me is very unsettling. This gives an idea why it isn’t often that I’ve gone to concerts or movies [at the theater] lately. Also, my dizzy spells have come back this week. My system is “out of whack”. So, light bothers me, & I spend some time crawling off by myself. Sometimes the dizziness is so bad that I have to lay on the floor, close my eyes, & “ride it out”.

This made for an interesting conversation with Mark. As I told him [& I haven’t told those close to me too much yet –except for my wife], my allergist was telling me that I have to see an ENT [that’s Ear, Nose & throat doc.] because I have “Thinning of the bone” in my sinuses. …didn’t know my sinuses had bones. She also said it’s “quite serious”… but I –as of yet- don’t know what that means. So I see this “ENT” Sept. 15^th [can’t be that serious, if I have to wait 6 weeks to see them. I joked with Mark “So …I have to wait 6 weeks to be told I’ve got 6 months to live?” Funny. –he didn’t really laugh.] Seriously, I have no idea what they mean by this. So don’t go thinking I’m terminal.

The last 2 days have felt like a month. Like our Blackwater falls trip was a calm before the storm. So was my Sat. “Photo field trip” & the Crimson show. It has stirred me to write quite a bit. I’m not sure if I’m ready to share just yet what I’ve written. I have also been enjoying my camera, & -at times- whishing I had brought it with me. Like today… going back to my In-law’s house to get things for my sister-in-law to stay with us. I rode in the car [it was one of my many dizzy spells]. Sat in the car. And, at times when I could bear to sit up, watching Monarch butterflies waltz across the air, from flower to flower. Almost like they were tracing the path of a rollercoaster. Sometimes on top sometimes precariously hanging under a flower their legs weaving across the flowers gathering for themselves. Their wings moving in slow motion as they hung there, almost in time with my breathing.

While my life has not been all “rosey”, neither has it been all dark –or even as dark as it could easily have been. That said, I haven’t felt this alive in… I honestly don’t know how long. Everything seems more alive, more “full of vibrant color”, than ever before. Even things that could [or should] be very dark, just don’t bring me …”as far down” as they used to.

Well, I must get some sleep, & I feel a bit of my dizziness creeping back on...

Photo's, changed plans, strange day

So much to talk about ... but, alas, my schedule & my mind just can't tonight. Strange "whirlwind" of a day. A funeral for my wife's Grandmother this week. [she died this morning] Plans with my friend are more difficult than I hoped. [still don't know when/ where we are meeting -I hate surprises, & "last minute changes". Which will -apparently- be the theme this week]. But, that said, it's not all bad. Sat. was restful, fun, different, inspiring, & pulled me ever so slightly out of my comfort zone. I have never really done photography with photographers before. I barely ever did "Jamming" with other musicians. Most of my drawing/ writing/ photography/ practicing is done solitary. So, though I wanted to go with deAnn & Kevin both [even though they went in different directions], I "played it safe" at first. And struck out alone. Which was fine. Then I bumped into deAnn & John [gee... I really hope that is his name. I should remember, he only told me twice. But tonight my head is swimming]. He helped me with my camera. deAnn helped with some perspective, they both helped with light. Great photos, good conversation. I got the doors, by the way. [more on that later]

So I'll leave with a few thoughts, & pic's.
Pastor Aaron mentioned 6 word memoirs.
After last Sun. I feel like I need 3 of them [to describe the transition]:

Was:
Bought as is,
not worth it.

Is:
Loved as is,
Don't know why.

Is [quickly] becoming:
Loved as is,
Glad, thank you.
I wrote that during the message today. As I drove around off & on all day today another one sort of came to me...

Shattered, lost, found, loved, being fixed




This is one picture of the doors. I, honestly, didn't realize there was a room in there. At first this ruined it for me [more on that later]. I would be curious... where does this picture take you? What do you see? ...my answers later this week.

Tomorrow, 7:30 the "otherworldly sounds" of King Crimson will fill these ears. Hopefully, at least part of the show, will be like the title of a Spock's Beard song: "The Healing Colors of Sound".
And a chance to see some new P.J. Crook paintings [used by "The Crim's" as cd & T-shirt art]
This is a sample:
Well, I must go.

May His grace drip from your fingers,

B

paintings of the sky

Some pic's taken lately...
All but the "splinters of a rainbow" are from LW's parking lot.
Taken on Mon.
Somehow doing things like this is soothing for me.

Hold Dearly to me

Today was a hard day to be at church. Which is why I HAD to be there. Today's talk, "cut to the bone" for me. It was a hurt so deep, the marrow of my bones ached. I haven't cried like that [from that place in me] in so long -if ever. I, typically, don't let people see me "like that", either. There is a reason [but it's not a pretty one. So I'll not share it here, at this time]. So I borrowed keys [thank God for my friends, there] & hid away. and cried. Feeling stupid, & self conscious, for doing so. When the worship team sang the last 2 songs... felt like they were playing my heartstrings. I am glad for those I feel close to, at LW, on days like today. For, on days like today...
I need them so bad I can taste it.

This came to me, in the "crying solitude" at the end of each service [a sort of "explanation", as it were, of why I had to be there]

Sometimes...you need to allow your heart to break, so your soul can mend.
Sometimes... you need to allow your heart to break, so others can remind you that you are loved. [that you matter -& not just to God]

More for my own benefit, than anyone reading this...
This is a favorite song -for times such as these.

Hold Dearly to Me
Words by Michael Roe

What do you do
When you’re in total frustration, Lord?
What do you do,
When you’re in total despair?
What can you say
When you dial that number?
& the only person that you want to talk to is never really…
Really quite there…
This person…can not bring me happiness…
This person… can not bring me joy…
Gracious God, lift me higher…let me see your beautiful face…
I gotta know who my true friends are,
& where’s my home sweet home

Many nights I’ve wondered…
Alone down that street of pain
Many days I’ve stumbled…
Out of the darkness in daylight
Many years I’ve wondered
Wonderin’ just where I’ll end up…
In a festering heap of flames or a shivering cold, cold night

Good God, Almighty
Scoop me up, set me free
Let me walk in your forgiveness
Make a man outta me
Lord I been jumpin’ at shadows
Like a snake I been eatin’ my tail
Let me trip, let me stumble, but please, please don’t let me fail

I’m a fly by night
I’m a dog by day
I gotta room full a beautiful memories
Growin’ old & in the way
I gotta heart that be broken
Over, & over again
Some are lovers, some are brothers
But most of all they’re my own dirty little hands
Let me sit at Your holy feet
Let me count the hard cost
Of what is right & what is wrong
Of who is king &
Who can, only be the boss
Let me lie awake
‘n seek the truth of thy holy face
Out of Thy holy mouth
Thunderin’ forth out of a holy place

Let me walk
Standin’ tall
A with a mouth
A Forgivin’ over
Hold to the things
That I know You hold dear
Let me soften my heart
Let me harden my footsteps
As I press toward the mark
Of Your safe place, without any fear

Hold dearly to me
Hold dearly to me
Hide me
Drag me
closely & safely

hold dearly
hold dearly
Hide me
Drag me
closely & safely
hold

Life is often desperate, but never hopeless - Robert Fripp

My Problem

A friend of mine runs the Vertical Creativity blog. It is a blog or community for the artists at our church. Sweet girl, that one. And... if you go to Living Word, &/or you go to the Vertical Creativity blog... well, it probably won't be too had to put together who I am, exactly. She started a "splinter blog" or off shoot of the "VC" blog, for photography. So, hoping to encourage her & to get the sharing to keep going... I sent her some photos [in my defense she asked for photos from vacations people had taken]. So she got them -& immediately posted them... & my name. -my full name [gulp... mommy]. She took a page from my own book "can I post them -thanks". [please laugh -I did] Now, I emailed her back & [bless her kind heart] she "fixed it", which, of course, makes me feel both bad & like a royal pain in her [well... you know]. So here I'm supposed to say her problem is___. -her problem is me.

My problem is... I'm afraid of 1 of 2 outcomes.
#1. No one says ANYTHING to me AT ALL about them. So [being me] that means they suck, & my "inner voice" says "told ya, stupid. Leave the photography to the artists -will ya".
#2. EVERYONE [& his or her brother] comes to me & tells me about them. And I feel like I'm being interviewed for a magazine.
[how's that for all or nothing? ...for that matter, talk about a no win situation]
Actually, I'm afraid of being noticed, watched, or spoken of like I'm some sort of Bono, or Eugene Peterson, or Roger Dean.
I hate being watched, studied, examined...
I'm not some great person, really I'm not.

And this name [bought "as is"] was created as yet another way to hide myself. To share my soul with out letting anyone have a clue who's soul they were hearing from. You know what? Batman & spider-man are fun -for 2 hours... but hiding is work. And I'm not sure I feel I should continue to do that.

So, anyway,I sit here... & truthfully, I'm glad she did it. I never said I was Ansel Adams, Leonardo Da Vinci, or Jimi Hendrix. I never will. Don't want to be. I'm me. Like it or not [often I don't like it... & it's time to change that -ok, probably about 2 decades past time].
I ran into a quote last week from an old USA Today article. Mary J. Blige was being interviewed, & she said this about herself:

“Once I found love, I found self-love. It’s the awareness that someone [cares] about you, so why don’t you?”

This really hits me. Don't quite know why it does, just that it does. So, anyway, while there are some who read this & know who I am exactly before even reading any of it... it isn't that hard to figure out anymore -either. So I may start posting photos ['n such] here. Just to personalize "the place".

[I'll have to post about the Paisley show later...]